i am drained. I have been running all week…. so I guess I should be thankful. I just wish that I could have energy like everyone else, to last all weekk, all month, all year! without feeling exhausted. And it's not like a normal relax period. I know people have those times when they just want to kick back and enjoy a nice movie or something. But when I get this way it lasts all day and sometimes up to a week. I've learned to just not focus on it so much. Just view it as healing time. I just want to be able to do so much more! I want energy!!! I'm 20 years old. Why am I feeling exhausted so often? Energy-drainers. I blame those. But I'm not sure if the people I'm with are the energy-drainers or if I'm actually the energy-drainer. How do you decide that? Maybe it is all me…. I can't stop thinking about that. It's easy to blame everyone else… but how can I know for sure?

IDK i'm just in one of those "thinking" moods. I can take something so seemingly simple and make it so complex that even the experts would have their minds spinning. idk what to believe…. did we evolve or were we created? These ideas are so opposite because if it was evolution than we are supreme beings and i guess that's what I want to believe of myself; that I'm actually here to DO something, but if I was just created than I'm not supreme; there is somethign out there higher than me and no matter what I do I will have to answer to him/her.

I feel so much! I want to burst! Life. Where does life come from? I want to touch everything, I want to smell everything, I want to SEE everything, I want to hear everything. These senses. They make up my realm…. but to believe in god I have to abandon all that. But I don't feel god, I don't smell god, I don't see god, I don't hear god, so why should I follow god?

I'm in turmoil. I'm scared. If god exists and I don't follow him than I go to hell, case closed. I'm so scared of death. Wow what a obvious thing to say. Who isn't? But I want to live! I can't live wondering if there's a god. It kills me. My dad believes it, without a question, and he fights me about it. and I want to believe it, but I just can't! But I feel like I should. I'm in turmoil. I fight against myself, because everyone makes me feel like I should, like maybe there is something wrong with my ideals and beliefs. Maybe there's something wrong with my dreams. My dad doesn't support me in anything. I want to be a vet but he says public school is a waste! He thinks I should be lady-like and wear dresses at all times, and I should become a house wife and cook and clean and raise my children. that and only that, until I'm dead. And then I can say that I made my husband happy! and god will be pleased. and I can go to heaven, and praise god for eternity. Maybe I am too prideful. I want to believe that I actually have a purpose, but I'm sorry, if there's a god then Idt I have a purpose except for his own entertainment.

I love animals, but seroiusly, as much as I love them, they have no purpose. We buy a dog to only please us. In the end, that's the only purpose they have. Is it wrong for me to desire more?


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