People ask me all the time, am I okay? I always reply with “No.” The truth is, I’m not okay. I’m never going to be okay. I lie to those who ask me okay due to the fact that there’s nothing they were to do if I were to tell them otherwise. Can’t nobody fix my situations, not even myself. I tried but never succeeded. It’s like whenever I try to reach some type of resolution, my plan always backfires, like it never fails. Whenever I don’t try to resolve my issues, they just gets worse and worse so at this point, it’s a lose-lose situation for me. I can’t win for losing. At this point, it’s not even my depression that controls me, it my deep thoughts. Me overthinking just changes my attitude to the point where I’m nonchalant about everything. It don’t got nothing to do with my zodiac sign, it’s my mood. It’s a lot of shit that I be overthinking about that I let slide and forget but now it’s like my deep thoughts just constantly fucks with me even when I don’t even think about nothing. I try my best to work hard to live the dream life of luxury and debt free, but at this point, the motivation is starting to die down. It’s like there’s no point of trying to live that better lifestyle when I don’t even want to live anymore. How could someone work forward to live a “good life” when that person’s life ain’t even peaches and cream. I pretend that everything is good and that my relationships are legit when they’re really not. I’d lie my way around the fact that everything is not okay and my relationships are damaged whenever an outsider ask ame is everything okay. Everything is not okay. Most days I wake up and don’t be knowing if I want to keep living or to go ahead to go through committing suicide. I often think they everyone else lives would be better if I did leave. I get told from people that they love me but I don’t feel it. I can’t tell. What’s the point of anything. Wats the purpose of having a purpose to live. I don’t got nothing to live for. I don’t even want to have kids anymore. I don’t want to be with anyone. I don’t want to be apart of any family. I just want to go. If killing myself is the only way to get away from all the lies, secrets, and hurt then so be it. I guess loving some people isn’t enough to stay alive. I don’t know when my suicide will take place but it’ll be planned very soon. Everyday I try to push myself to fight my thoughts but not this time. Enough is enough and my tired. I promised I wouldn’t cut again. It’s be almost 3 years but I been having strong urges to start back. All I can say is sorry. I need to disappear anyway. I fucked up. I fucked up as a daughter, girlfriend, friend, and everything else. I let everyone that counted on me down. My I insecurities just getting worse. I’m tired of faking. I want to be free of everything, even my thoughts. The way I see it the only way I can be free is if I go ahead and go through with it. I don’t know what I want to do in life. I’m wasting a life when someone else should’ve had instead. I’m tired of crying like I’m just ready to go. I can’t take him with me so I got to fall back from him. I don’t want to hurt him even more than I am. I Love him way too much to leave him but I don’t see the point of staying. I just don’t know what to do no more I tried to be a better person and do right but I can’t. My mind ain’t right. I’m too hurt to move on from things and too tired to try. I just mess everything up so maybe I should just go away. I’m not okay and I never will be. Just not meant to be around anyone. Maybe I deserved to go through what I went through.