having a really rough night.

Watched the movie "The Sisterhood of the travelling pants".. its like a kids movie, but I cried. I was crying even when it wasn't a sad part. I don't cry. I'm not a cryer.. and here I was crying.. watching a kids movie.

I cried cause it brought up so many emotions.. like the girl who's dad was marrying a new woman.. My dad has married a woman, who has two kids. My dad has seen more of them in the last two years, then he has my entire life. Where is the fairness in that. I'm lucky to speak to him twice a year. Gods honest truth… and people wonder why I don't have a relationship with him. I only met this woman once before he married her. I got the invite to the wedding a few months later.. It would have been nice to get to know her a bit beforehand. Anyway the girl in the movie said some things to her dad, that I think about.. like "am I not good enough".."you replaced me with a new family".. just things like that. I know thats going to sound like something a child might say, but is things I feel.

I remember when in the months after I found out my father was alive. I felt so lucky.. even though I was terrified, confused and a whole lot of other emotions, I felt lucky. I could see a smile on his face when he would go to people "this is my daughter, jacqui". I'm guessing he didn't know about me, though i don't know if this was the fact or not. I've never asked. This just raises a whole heap more questions. If he did know about me, why did he never try to contact, or find out about me? OR was it simply the fact that my mother didn't want him to know me? OR was it a mix of both my mother and him not wanting him not to know me? OR (this is the one that plagues me most) I'm NOT HIS? I honestly don't know. I would love to get a DNA test.. I really would.

I think until i know why my mother lied to me for so long about my dad being dead, and answers to my other questions, i'm never going to have a realationship with him, and I don't think I even want to. I hope he is happy with his new perfect little family…and I will continue being the "Other" daughter. The *sick* one.

Wow I didn't really expect to write that much about my father.

Anyway all of these thoughts and emotions have left me raw.. I feel like I really need to hurt myself. I have a lighter here. I want to burn my skin. So bad.