This is wrong. This is stupid. Why am I doing this? I broke up with Chris. That was a complete mess, and now I’m losing a really good friend, Austin. Austin has been there for me for the past two years, when Chris and I were getting into it, when I was feeling bad. I would also like to say that I’ve been there for him. He’s not mad at me because I broke up with Chris. He’s mad at me because I cheated on Chris, something I spoke so violently strong against. How could I do that? That was so very wrong of me.
The night I broke up with Chris he threatened to cut himself, start smoking pot again, start drinking again. He even threatened to kill himself. He said I was his hope and his strength, but I can’t be that for him any longer. I have to live my own life. [strong]I will no longer be controlled. [/strong] Even though I talked to him today and he’s pleading with me, wanting me to be with him again. I mean, I want that life. I want to be with the Chris I fell in love with. The outgoing, easygoing, Chris that was sweet to me. He’s grown into another person, although the side of him that just hasn’t been able to get himself together has always been there. I told him to prove to me that he can get it together. Then maybe I would come back to him. I now know that [I]There is no turning back. [/I]
Sanders has been there for me. I know that I shouldn’t have cheated with him, but it wasn’t just cheating. I am in no way condoning my actions at all, but he was there, he was sweet to me, and I needed that comfort and love. Now, I find myself falling in love with him. I know he will treat me differently. I’ve known him for a long time. He’s been my best friend for a little under a year, so I know how he is.
It’s just really hard to leave a 2 and a half year realtionship behind me like that. It’s so desperately hard. I’m trying. It’s just going to take a while. I hope that Sanders understands that, because I know no one else will.
I miss Chris. I really do. He will always be in my heart, as stupid and cliche as that sounds. I love him. However, it is time to move on. It’s time for me to grow up. Hopefully, Chris will grow up as well.
[hr] I’ve really wanted to cut myself.
[br]I’ve only done it once so far.
[br]That’s pretty good, I suppose.


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