Please forgive me if i babble, but this is the first time I've wrote down my feeling and thoughts about my life and struggle with depression.

My Background

I have struggled with depression since October 2008, when my brother died from an accidental drug overdose. Although I suppose I'm now 'over' his death I still find the concept of 'life' abit too much sometimes.Between Oct 2008 and now my life has change significantly, got married, took on a correspondence course for video game design and relocated to a different country.

Currently

I met my future wife in March 2010 and got engaged 9 months later, we married in South Africa in January 2012 and relocated permanently to SA in November of that year.

Its only 3 months into starting a new life I have never felt worse.

I cannot concentrate on studying and have fallen disastrously behind, at current I cannot see myself completing this course but if I don't complete it then what is going to become of my life? Working in an unskilled job waiting to die is my best guess.

I constantly feel inadequate due to my inability to find work, all over facebook I see people younger than myself gaining further education and landing jobs of their dreams. Something that I cannot seem to do.

I am struggling with an addiction to online pornography, this is something that I have been trying to stop since I was 15. This addiction is not only affecting me, but also my marriage and our sex life. My wife thinks that I quit watching porn ruffly three years ago and I know it would devastate her to know that I have lied to and failed her.

And lastly I am subject to alcohol abuse, through my journey to feel happy I've found that drinking helps for a few hours. My wife is noticing this and the subject of alcohol has caused uncountable arguments in our home.

I am feeling like there is no hope for my life, some days I feel suicidal and have no idea what the next step is.

2 Comments
  1. cdnpickles 11 years ago

    I am glad you have found this site.  I hope you will recognize that you need to reach out and speak with someone who can steer you to the correct venue for you to heal yourself.  I would suggest your family doctor.  It is tough to say these things out loud, but they need to be said.  For yourself.  For your wife.  For the life you will have together.

     

     

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  2. ancientgeekcrone 11 years ago

    My son had cyber porn addiction and he tells me, if there had not been an intervention that he things he would have gone on to worse things.

    As for the alcohol abuse, it is self-medication and usually leads to other self-medicating addictions.

    I think your are in crisis and need theapy ASAP.

    Depression causes the sufferer a sense of wothlessness. Drain his/her ability to concentrate and lead to self-medication which makes everything worse.

    All the warning signs are ther. Get into therapy. You may well lose a marriage as well as the prospect for a career.

    I wish you well.

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