My mom’s best friend, Al, died in November. He was the dad I wanted. He was there more than my dad was. My dad never visited, nor called. Maybe because he was too busy breaking patrol and going back to prison. But Al was there, he had his problems, but he was there. He randomly showed up at the door at any hour of the night. He didn’t care if we were asleep he just showed up. I didn’t like him for that. I didn’t like that he was obsessed with hating his ex-wife and using my mom’s Facebook page to see her. I didn’t like him. But I now understand, that pain hurts people and you can’t help but be obsessed with your ex sometimes. I know that I am in that stage with my abusive ex, stalking him on Instagram. But, I was sitting in my room and I made a big decision that I want him to be the one to walk me down the aisle when the time comes. The time for that will never come because I wallowed too much of these flaws that I never got the chance to tell him I loved him. Weeks leading up to his death I hated him. But then I woke up and I knew I felt something bad, and then I heard my mom cry from her room. I just knew right then that he died. I hated myself. I am still not over it, but I now can hold back the tears. I now let go of my grudges because you never know if there will be a tomorrow.