I feel that before I can participate fully in this forum, it is necessary I tell my story. Before anyone can comment on my current situation, you need to know where I’m “coming from”.
Half the reason I joined here is because I often find myself so desperate & overwhelmed that I just start to write on my computer – & that’s about as far as it goes. Never does anyone else ever read it or know what I’m going through & obviously I never find any answers or relief … so it all just builds up.
 
Right now I am at my limit of endurance ….
 
I am at work trying to do an honest days work but I find myself so self absorbed with my mental & physical condition, that concentrating is an ENORMOUS effort, I frequently need to go to the bathroom ONLY ‘cos I can’t hold tears back. I’m aching physically – every joint & muscle. My chest is soooo tight it hurts & breathing is even “strained” & my hands are sweaty & face hot & flushed, even though its really cold & drizzling today.
I know I’m not ill & that all these symptoms are just “anxiety” – but knowing something doesn’t necessarily mean knowing how to fix it??????
 
So how did I get to this …… read on.
 
INTRODUCTION
In short … my relationship with my GF is ‘on the rocks’ over something she cannot understand no matter how hard or many times I have tried to explain just what it is she has done to make me want to break up with her.
 
Besides the relationship issues I am also under enormous stress at work, which even on its own has some of my superiors telling me to take it easy, slow down & take a holiday as soon as possible – audits, deadlines, expectations, the whole crap-shoot.
So I will tell the entire story here & leave it open for all to comment on …… it should at least make for interesting reading if nothing else???
 
Before going any further, can I invite you to glance through my profile “about me” & all that stuff – I have done my best to create a basic “snapshot” of who I am.
 
MY BRIEF HISTORY
Like I said there, I have lived & worked in South Africa almost my entire life & I was separated & subsequently divorced in 2004. Although my marriage had its good moments, it was for the most part miserable – I am actually still somewhat embarrassed to tell people, but my wife was abusive, emotionally & physically, but then that would be another story entirely. The years that followed my escape from her were some of the happiest times of my life with my 2 girls (aged 6 & 13 THEN) except for ONE “small” problem – when married we shared our household expenses, etc & when I found out about her extra-marital activity & “asked her nicely” to please leave (I actually kicked her out – at which point she pulled her ’38 Special revolver on me … again, another story entirely) so when she was gone I was left to support my kids on my own COMPLETELY without any help or support from her at all. Luckily I had 2 credit cards with a large available credit limit. Obviously as the years went by I became more & more in debt, was forced to sell my house & for their own good my kids had to go back to live with their mother (much against their will) who had subsequently moved in with her parents in a large house with little or no expenses of her own.
 
MY ONLINE LOVE AFFAIR
In the meantime I was renting a small cheap flat & was voluntarily doing a lot of business travel to try & make extra money – it wasn’t working!!
Since living alone & not really being used to it without my kids as well as while travelling, it the evenings in hotels all over the place, I spent a lot of time on the famous social websites (Skype & FB). During one of my sessions on Skype (& after consuming more alcohol than I probably should) I stumbled on a very long time lady friend – a woman I had known since I was about 7 years old & 10 years my senior. She was very close to my brother who is the same age – their birthdays are even on the same day & she was like the “daughter” my mother had never had.
The reason she had contacted me after all the years was because my mother had asked her to “please keep an eye on Me” shortly before she passed away (my mom obviously). Being slightly drunk & reckless at the time & it certainly didn’t help that I had had such an enormous crush on this woman when I was about 17 – the “innocent” flirting started online. Day after day, week after week & had obviously at some point turned into something far more than just idle chatting online, until one day she confessed that she had fallen completely in love with me … to which I must confess, so TOO had I with her!!!!! We would be online with each other almost every waking moment of every day – we often joked with each other that we probably communicated MORE than most married couples who live in the same house. We had so much in common & had somehow, even though living such completely separate lives, shared many of the same life experiences. She too had been in 2 abusive marriages & in one instance had been put in a coma & had her jaw broken by one of her previous husbands.
 
But there was a problem with this whole scene …….
 
I lived in South Africa & she lived in the UK. But even more than this …. She was married. Although she had long before told me that her marriage had long since dwindled to nothing more than a convenient friendship & that they had stopped having sex ages before I came along. None the less our relationship continued to grow until she eventually confided in a very wealthy & close friend of hers (who happened to live in SA not far from where I was living) – she had also told my brother (living in Holland) of her total mad crazy love for me …..
Needless to say, we did NOT have a “plan” & we certainly had no clue where this was going – hell neither of us had ever experienced anything like this in our lives – her at 52 & me at 42 years old. Age did NOT matter .. it was exciting & fun & we were like love struck teenagers again – a fact even my own kids would playfully tease me about. They were actually very happy for me that I had found someone after being alone for more than 5 years – this was now during the course of 2010.
 
And then one day, her close wealthy friend had said to her, she would like to see her for a birthday party in November 2010 in SA & she would buy her the airfare.
In conjunction with this, my brother had advised (ironically HER & not me) that we should tread lightly – an online relationship was one thing but if we were ever going to remain “somehow” serious about each other, we needed to get to know each other in the flesh first – wise advice! So in light of these developments, she arranged a MUCH longer visit in November (still compliments of her good friend). This sent our relationship now into a BOOSTED state of excitement. We discussed all the thing we would do together … how “awkward” meeting her at the airport would be … that since she would be there for almost 2 months it would be like we were living together. We even spoke about the mundane, like how she like her coffee, her preferred drinks & foods .. breakfasts she would make before I left for work, dinners & barbeques I would make for her, music likes & dislikes, etc, etc, etc….. it was HEAVEN ON EARTH !!!!!!!!!
 
MY LIFE DEGRADES
Even though things with our relationship were going so extremely well, my life was NOT. I was not managing to get out of debt & in fact had filed for bankruptcy. My job was also not going well – my immediate superior had recently been replaced with another, who had taken a dislike to me – I never like him either! But between him & the managing director, my life at work was becoming untenable. I may have been responsible to some degree or it may have been just misunderstanding but it made no difference. On top of this my ex-wife, who I had managed to get a job for at the same company (although in different departments) had worked her way up & had become the managing directors PA – the same MD that I reported to. I was miserable at work. My financial situation was making it almost impossible to even see my kids so was pretty miserable in my home life too. But at least I still had my Luv & would soon be seeing her.
 
I had already decided to resign after 13 years of service, although I had kept this top secret except from my Luv – we were making even more plans to somehow be together on a slightly more permanent basis – ALL depending on how we would “interact” in person with each other???????????? The MAIN reason for her extended visit … or so I THOUGHT!!
 
And then almost like a blessing from above, the company I was working for decided to make cut-backs & a voluntary retrenchment opportunity arose. This would’ve made it possible for me to clear my debt & move on with a clean start, so I jumped at the opportunity – unfortunately I was refused the retrenchment package on grounds that to this day I still don’t agree with!! THE F*%^^NG BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!! But it was the excuse I needed to tell the damn boss I QUIT!!!!!
 
RUN-UP TO HER SOUTH AFRICA VISIT
Although we had gotten to know each other really well in the preceding 7 months online, there were quite obviously things about her that I did not know.
 
I already knew & had for some time that she is a VERY sexual person & had been almost her whole life. With this she is also quite open & straight forward about matters of adult sexuality. Absolutely nothing “different” or odd about her preferences or anything like that – just a very liberated woman. Also somehow a very attractive woman, who even now at 53 years old still manages to get more male attention than I can understand. I also knew she’d had many relationships over the years – certainly far more than me, some of which were quite casual & others quite serious. I have no idea exactly how many partners she has had in her life & I will never question her on it either … this is one area I feel quite secure in our relationship. For her sex is healthy & wholesome & she enjoys it as much as she can .. almost craves it sometimes, which may be strange for a woman now in early menopause.
She is also a very free spirit, caring & dedicated to the ones she loves & people are somehow drawn to her – she will make friends in the strangest places any time & she is loved by almost everyone that meets her. Completely opposite to me …. I have never made friends easily & throughout my life I only have perhaps 2 people I regard as my friends. I am a loner by nature – I had lived in my current place almost 6 months before ever even speaking to my neighbour for more than a passing “hi” …
 
I think at this stage, I should also point out that I am by nature a very nervous, highly-strung & insecure person – something I have fought with about myself my entire life. I have seen mental health professionals on many occasions throughout my life since I was at school & yet still battle with the same issues – some theories being due to an above average IQ (NOT MENSA high thought – just above average). This for me has always been more of a curse than a blessing as I do tend to over-analyze everything – which is just one more reason I have joined this Forum. Living alone for so long & LIVING IN YOUR OWN HEAD is sometimes a bad place to be. I have always just wanted to be more like my Luv & one of the things about her I was so in love with. She brought me out of myself & helped me to grow – she gave me more strength & confidence than I ever knew existed during what was a very difficult time of my life.
Having written this I can hear how selfish I have been – what she got from me I fear I will never know. She has said how stimulating I am to be with & talk to – how good I make her feel when we together – that I’m a passionate lover – how generous & giving I am – how I have made her feel young again … but whether I have truthfully been as good for her as she was for me ???????????????????
 
But I have digressed.
 
So in the meantime, while anticipating my Luv’s arrival, I had proceeded to start selling off my furniture & any assets I still had left after declaring insolvency & making my final preparations for my move to the UK to at least be nearer her. 
 
It would have been ideal if I could have arranged things just such that I would be coming to the UK at the same time as her, unfortunately I still had too much to resolve which also included serving a full 30 days notice with the company. I did however time my resignation such that I would still receive my annual 13th cheque before leaving.
Although I had decided to move anyway to try build a new life, since my life in SA no longer had any possibility or “hope”. Some of this due to the political & security situation, but I cannot deny my motive was primarily to be with my Luv … although had no idea where it may go from there – after all she WAS STILL A MARRIED WOMAN!!!
 
HURT #1.
Her due time to arrive in SA was drawing nearer … we were almost beside ourselves with excitement, & yes maybe some nervousness .. but it was “new love”. She had sent me her travel details, flight number, etc & I had made the necessary arrangements to meet her at the airport. Still chatting online all day every day about how we would even approach each other at the airport, how we’d kiss for the first time, what would be the first thing we would do (no dirty minds here please, ha ha ha – but yes, you could cut the sexual tension with a knife as well as everything else) when we got back to my flat & so on & so on – you all must remember how it goes when “kids” are in love…………..

BUT THEN !!!!!?????

 
Just over a week before she was due to depart, she lets me know that “plans have changed”. I will not be the one to collect her at the airport, but it would in fact be her friend (female – the wealthy one I’ve mentioned whose birthday party was the reason she had brought her friend out to SA). My disappointment was terrible, but what was worse was my confusion – what had happened to change things, had I said something wrong? What was going on – at the time she offered very little explanation & in fact I only got the FULL story yesterday – almost exactly 2 years later!! Our relationship was such that we NEVER argued & even disagreements were light – probably because of BOTH our previous relationship history & shouting was an absolute NO WAY!!! … another one of the things I loved about being with her. We were RELAXED & honest with each other without pretence or fear of recrimination – something neither of us had ever experienced in a relationship before.
 
But at the time I was just confused … & considering I was FAR past the point of no return with my plans to move to the UK, I was at best feeling extremely vulnerable & “out on a limb”.
I have many times since then tried to remember what I said & how I reacted in this instance, but I just can’t. All I can conclude is that I would’ve tried to find out what I’d done (something stupid I do in situations like these, because of my own insecurity) which would’ve meant I probably started to get all “clingy” & “insecure” with her – like a stupid bloody WHINEY child!!!! But that was how I was feeling.
 
She KNEW me!!!!!! And I’d made well & sure very early on in our relationship (because I was in NO WAY gonna enter a relationship only for it to go to bits because I “suddenly” sprung an “episode” on her) – MONTHS before how insecure I was – that I had many times thought I suffered from depression & quite possibly BPD – & by that I mean Borderline Personality Disorder … not the Bi-Polar one… we had chatted many times on how I sometimes got & all the research I had done (not that any of it ever helped), just so I could be sure she understood where I was coming from & how hard I would / was always working to just keep myself in check. We had even had a couple of times when I did go a bit over the edge, but it never took much for her to bring me back from it ….. again, I can hear my own selfishness here, but it was part of our relationship dynamic … another reason I had fallen so hard in love with her. No one I’d ever known before had even bothered to try & understand this side of me, let alone actually help me through it the way she did.
So SHE KNEW ME!!!!!!!! & yet still “sprung” a HUGE ONE on me ….. It was so out of character of her to do something like this & moreover, the nonchalant “couldn’t give a rats ass” attitude with which she did it … I just didn’t understand WHY WHY WHY!!!??? What had I done.. & worse, had I lost her??? I even spoke to my eldest daughter (now 19 years old) about it & even she had to say, she didn’t get it. From what I had told her she thought everything was just rosy … unfortunately so did I until this.
 
HURT #2.
While still reeling somewhat from the aforementioned – 3 days before her due departure date, she dropped off the “grid” entirely!!! She disappeared completely from my mobile phone IM App (MXit – dunno if anyone here knows that one – lately it seems to have been out overshadowed by WhatsApp on mobile phones, especially here in the UK) – I was logging onto FB & Skype at every possible opportunity in the hope that she would be there, just so I could ask her “what the hell is going on??” – & once or twice she was actually online very briefly, just until she noticed I was online as well & then she’d be gone!! I sent many normal texts (SMS’s) to which I got absolutely no response …. I was BESIDE MYSELF!!! My feelings went from desperate panic worry that something had happened to her (she has had some health issues) to almost insane unreasonable anger that she had the NERVE to do this to me KNOWING FULL well what it must be doing to me.
I STILL had no idea what was going on … & then on 1 occasion, having just seen her ‘presence’ on FBook I tried to send her a message, but she logged off before it could be sent – internet connections in SA are nothing like here in the civilised world & in fact I would often battle like crazy to just get logged on. I LOST it!!!!! My conclusion … she was obviously still fine & healthy because she had been on & off FB/Skype … I sent her a text message that to this day I regret …
I said “I really hope that someone has died or something, so important that you would deliberately ignore me like this”.
Now you probably asking, why didn’t I just actually phone her … I had her number & everything. Well in hindsight I probably should have … but I don’t think at this point I was thinking very clearly … on top of which, I knew she was at home with her husband & family (she has 2 kids aged 30 something & 28 or something) as well as 2 grandchildren. There was still some degree of discretion we needed to maintain about our relationship …
She is a live-in carer & lives away from home with the old folks she cares for most of the year – hence our ability to normally be able to communicate as we did. She had to go home for a few days prior to her trip…..
 
In total it was 5 days before I heard from her again (please remember that this is the woman I had been in contact with almost every moment of every day for the last 8 months – hell we’d already almost had a life together). We had shared more intimate details with each other than either of us had ever before in our lives. Some marriages never even last this long & certainly never reach the level or intensity of our relationship. Her grandson was born a few months earlier – an enormously meaningful time of her life & guess what?? While she held her VERY special daughter’s hand during the whole childbirth thing … I got a running commentary almost hourly … I never expected it or asked for it, but it became so special to me, I felt as if I was standing next to her through the whole thing. I have such a SPECIAL photo of my Luv (she sent the picture to me there & then!!) holding her new-born grandson within an hour of his birth .. I have never seen her looking so proud … so happy … & so beautiful!!!! I had shared times with her when she’d had “issues” with her family & just ran off down to the pub .. where she was shattered upset – I was beside myself & did everything I could think of to “be with her” from the other side of the planet … until I’d spoken to her to tell her how much I loved her & it would be alight … until her sobbing subsided. I didn’t have the money for such an expensive international phone call, but it didn’t matter!!! SHE was all that mattered.
She had helped me & guided me when I had “tiffs” with either of my Baby Girls … advice on teenage daughters only a woman can give … I WOULD be there for her when she needed me if it cost me my life!
 
So where had I gone wrong????????
 
I’ve digressed again ….
 
By this time she had been in SA, quite literally “down the road” from me (from the other side of the world to less than a 15 minute drive away) for 2 days already. She had partied & been having a really good time catching up with her friend & so on ……
In any case, we made arrangements to actually meet up in a couple more days – her tone & attitude toward me still an uncharacteristic cold indifference … NOT the woman I had fallen in love with. I just didn’t get it & I was SCARED TO DEATH….
 
So the day of our meeting arrived & you can only imagine the anticipation!!??
 
HURT #3.
This was the start of a very bad time in my life – I still don’t like thinking about it & any music that may remind me of it is an absolute NO NO!!
 
Her friend brought her to my house (their decision not mine). When she arrived I was shocked, to say the least!!
Now obviously during the course of our online affair, I had asked for pictures of her – it had after all been more than 25 years since I had last seen her & had such a crush on her. In the pictures I had seen, even at 52 she was still a gorgeous lady. She was obviously older & showed a few signs of it – a few wrinkles & had put on some weight – but her eyes & “sparkle” was still there. Nice bum still & just a touch of make-up & she turned heads.
But when she arrived at my place, she was as “old” & “drab” as I have never seen her before – not a touch of make-up & her hair looked like she’d been stranded on a desert island for the last month. But OK then ……
Online we had often chatted about our first kiss & hug & all that stuff (I think I’ve already mentioned) – well when approaching her she pulled away! So I helped her with her very small overnight bag – confused as to why she’d brought so little stuff, thinking she would be staying with me like we had discussed so many times online & we went inside (her friend left).
I poured us wine (the one she had said months before she liked) & when I finally approached her to kiss her I was met with very tightly closed lips.
Now I don’t remember the exact sequence of events here, but I do remember us talking for a while – very “strained” conversation in which she told me she didn’t like French kissing (which I thought odd since she had on many occasions before told me VERY explicitly how she would kiss me the first time we saw each other – ok that was supposed to be when I picked her up at the airport & we now know that didn’t happen!!) & then she moved upstairs to my bedroom ….. in the 30 seconds it took me to follow, when I got to the bedroom she was already naked on my bed …. I won’t go into any more detail here, except to say that we REALLY fitted together physically!! So no worries in this department …..
The afternoon & evening progressed – more wine & more conversation.
 
HURT #4.
One of the first things to come out while we talked, was that she had “changed her mind” & she would actually NOT be staying with me as we had planned, but she would be staying with her friend – but I could still visit on occasion W.T.F!!!!???? She continued to explain that our online “thing” was all fun & everything, but this was now reality … & in reality, she was married (had no intention of leaving her husband – not that I’d expected her to or anything) & had a whole other life & our online love affair was all just a bit of fun that had gotten out of hand & that it DID NOT mean the same to her as it did to me … but we would still be friends – her exact words were “fuck-buddies” & that I would always still be very special to her.
By now I could hardly contain my hurt ….. but it was far from over!!!! All the hopes, dreams & plans we had made for the last 9 months reduced to “sorry but we can be fuck-buddies”………it still rings in my ears to this day!!!!!
 
HURT #5.
I don’t really know what I was thinking at this time??? I remember going way way back through all our FB & Skype chats – right back to the beginning (luckily they are kept for as long as you want). I remember writing a kinda moment-by-moment account of our online relationship – a timeline if you will, & I could still not understand or justify her reaction to me.
Now when things were still going ok – when we were sharing our entire lives online, our every mood, problem, the good the bad, everything, there were 2 highlights she had planned for when she was in SA.
The first was her friend’s 50th birthday party …. But before I tell this one, some background….
 
As I have said, this friend of my Luv’s (let’s just call her Ln for the sake of maintaining anonymity on this forum) is a wealthy & in her own right a very successful woman. She would often travel the world investing in property & any other good “deals” she could find & had ‘rubbed shoulders’ with celebrities & so on. She also just happened to be my Luv’s best friend – they had known each other for many years & in fact were even at school together when they were young – they had shared divorce heartaches & all that goes into making a lifelong friend. My Luv holds her in SUCH high esteem & would do anything for her at the drop of a hat … having never had a friend like this myself I find it a little “odd” to say the least, but that’s how it was & I accepted it for whatever it was – whatever my Luv told me it was.
A few months earlier in 2010, while my affair with my Baby Luv was at its prime Ln travelled to London to sort out some or other property deal that wasn’t going to plan – obviously while in the UK she arranged to meet up with her best friend (my Luv) & they had an awesome time planned in London – train ride, hotel stay & The Black Eyed Peas concert. Even for me it was awesome – still online with my Luv, I got the usual running commentary (I always felt like such an important part of her life) – I got photos sent to me from their hotel, from the concert .. where Luv looked so happy & best of all was having so much fun. And when Cheryl Cole played a romantic number, I got the “baby I miss you & if only you were here” message – it was so moving & special I actually felt like I’d shared the experience with her.
But what was MOST relevant about this story is this;
As I’ve said Luv is a married woman & a certain amount of discretion has always needed to be maintained, but Ln being such a close friend she confessed her love for me to her friend. And at the time Ln was thrilled for her – so glad that she had found someone who made her happy in this way. Now at the time Luv had quite an old mobile phone & this is what we had been using the whole time (when she wasn’t able to use her laptop) to communicate from across the globe & it occasionally played up. While in London having so much fun with her friend was one of the times her phone began its nonsense, & in the spur of the moment Ln said to her “… this is nonsense!! How are you supposed to conduct an online love affair with that old thing” & she promptly bought Luv a brand new Blackberry.
I also want to add, that on one or two occasions when actually speaking on the phone, I had even said “hi” to Ln who had joked around & playfully teased about our relationship … so it was pretty safe for me to assume (I thought) that our relationship had the “seal of approval” from Ln…… my Luv’s best & closest friend!
 
So back to the story ……
For months before my Luv’s visit we had been chatting & talking & planning so much, but there were 2 highlights to top them all. The first was Ln’s 50th birthday bash – she had planned a rather lavish affair (as one of her standing would) at her very posh home in a very up-market security golf estate.
Luv had invited me to go with as her partner – it was not as if we had anything left to hide from Ln anymore.
Hell, Luv had even at some stage told her own daughter (aged 30ish) about me, who had seemed at the time to be quite “accepting” – there’s another story when she accidentally “caught” her mom on the phone to me engaging in …. Well (BLUSH) use your imagination……. & it was an instance we laughed about (sheepishly embarrassed as we were) REALLY hard for ages after – her daughter included.
 
So anyway – I was to accompany Luv to this really posh birthday bash. We had discussed our clothing (have to be suitably coordinated, didn’t we) & had agreed – I had my suit & accessories all pressed & ready even. But most of all we had chatted about how AWESOME it was going to be, especially considering we didn’t have to drive anywhere & we would be able to share a bed for the night afterwards – I was anticipating a VERY romantic time …. In some communications before I could hear the apprehension in Luv, cautioning me on the type of high-society we would be associating with & that I should conduct my self accordingly & so on – truth be told, I was already getting the feeling she was having second thoughts, thinking that I would be too “immature” for the 50 something’s ..  I was after all only 42 & from a simple working class background. What I wanted to do was prove her wrong – I KNOW I have the intelligence (really not to sound egocentric, but its true) to communicate far above most of the people that would be there – I am well travelled & even more well educated having 2 degrees, so in this department I knew I would if anything SURPRISE my Luv … but I was never allowed the opportunity.
So then came the HIT!!!! A few days before the party (I forget exactly, but it would make no difference to the effect), Luv told me I would not be going with her …… no discussion, no say from my side on the matter & worst of all, NO EXPLANATION.
 
So to remind – I was still reeling (all be it internally in my own head) from her treatment when she had first arrived, so this was an incredibly painful blow!!!
 
Someone very close to me once said “if someone is embarrassed to be seen with me … then they will never see me again”
Why I didn’t stick to this advice I cannot say – except to say I was “stupid desperate in love” ….
 
So I didn’t go … instead I just sat at home alone (I hade arranged my daughters stayed with their mother this weekend, thinking I would be at the party), drank too much & just watched as her FB pages were inundated with pictures & comments of what a fantastic time she was having ….. slowly becoming more & more enraged, & of course, no time for even a “hello” message from her …… I mean, how DARE I expect a message from her, while she was so busy with the party & updating her status on Facebook moment to moment … how silly of me!!!!!!!!!
So this was the woman I had honestly believed knew & understood me & who actually cared enough to protect my darker insecure side.
 
But please dear Reader, continue … because this story is FAR from over.
 
HURT #6.
Now as I was saying, there were 2 highlights to Luv’s visit that we were “both” intensely excited about. The second was this;
 
Ln owned a holiday cottage next to a stunningly beautiful lake, not far fro where I lived, & she had offered this cottage to Luv & I for a long weekend romantic getaway.
 
In the run-up to the weekend getaway, I would visit Luv on any opportunity I could (I was still forced to serve my full 30 days notice for the Company I had just quit) & we had had a few evenings out to dinner & the like – all the while Luv’s “tone” & attitude to me remained aloof to put it mildly. In fact the whole thing was turning me into quite a wreck … WHY COULD I NOT JUST LET HER GO!!!!????? This was clearly what she wanted – she had made it perfectly clear. But for so many reasons I couldn’t. It goes without saying that I was undeniably madly in love with her (I still am to this day, as I write this), despite her attempts to make herself look as unattractive as she could. Also for some reason, deep down, I could not believe what she had said – that the preceding months had been nothing more than a online “fling” & that none of it had meant anything to her. It was in trying to understand this that I had taken so much time to go all the way back through our relationship on Skype & Facebook, & I had created an event record & timeline – fact for fact, time + date, every relevant word I had said to her & her to me.
This even included the BAD times for both of us – times she had had problems & I had been there for her as well as times I had been under huge pressures from work, family, money (I was also in the process of bankrupsy proceedings) & the like & had ended up going over-the-top mentally almost loosing it – usually after drinking too much &/or she was not available online when I needed her most. Completely selfish I know, but a dark INSECURITY part of my character that I have yet to defeat – if anything it has only gotten worse as my relationship with Liv has continued – the relevance of this will become apparent in time).
Besides all this, I was also 100% committed to moving to the UK – resigned from 13 year job, was selling up any remaining assets & so on – what in heavens name would I do if all of this was in vein!!?? I would arrive in the UK even more alone than I had been in SA, would have left my 2 Girls (the most important people in my life) behind FOR NOTHING!!! With only distant aunt, uncle & a couple of cousins I hadn’t seen in years. My mom had passed away a few years prior to this (in the UK where she had lived) – it was always her hope that I would come back to the UK before she died but this didn’t happen – it was finally Luv that made it happen & now this was seemingly falling apart at the seams & just generally going to shit!!!!
I WAS SCARED to NOT have Luv – IS THIS WRONG?????????????
 
So we went to the lake …………….
 
I don’t really remember this all that well – perhaps in an attempt to “block it out”, but I do remember it being the most uncomfortable weekend of my life! Nothing like the romantic getaway we had been so excited about for months.
I do however remember 2 incidents;
The weather was amazing (typical Africa in November) & there was quite obviously a swimming pool at the cottage. Although it took some persuading, I eventually got her to come for a swim with me … which I think can be a very sexy experience if you want it to be?? But any advances I made toward her were SHUNNED … the only explanation “someone might see us” … BLOODY HELL we were alone!!!!!!!!!
 
Since I was feeling so uncomfortable the entire time I ended up drinking too much – not stupid fall down drunk at any stage, just more than would be the case normally (unfortunately something I’m prone to do when I can’t stop the nervous knot in my stomach from overwhelming me). On one particular evening, we had been outside, had a barbeque – where I might add, she criticized me for almost every thing I did. Again VERY odd because as I have already said – we had spoken about all our likes & dislikes online for months & I was only doing & in the way she had previously told me she loved so much.
And then it was bedtime – well by now I had had about all I could take. Not just from this weekend getaway, but the ENTIRE thing since she had arrived (which by now had been about 3 weeks), so I did not follow her to bed … I stayed downstairs listening to music & drinking more on my own. At which point I thought, to HELL with this – I went to my car & collected the “event / timeline” which I had printed off – we were going to have this out – the LEAST she could do was offer me some sort of explanation – hell, even animals treated this way have the RSPCA, surely I deserved at least an answer or two!!?? This was last the last evening at the lake.
So I took her the event timeline to read – well it certainly did not go the way I had expected from a woman with a “heart” in any case …..
 
She took the paper … began reading & quite quickly began to laugh at some of the things she was reading. Now this was no ordinary laugh – it was like nothing I have ever imagined before! It was like “HA!” and “REALLY” punctuated with this “laugh” … WHO WAS THIS PERSON … no, rather this THING in front of me!!?? By this time I was in a state … I was angry, confused as all hell … but mostly HURT. I could barely breathe, my face was flushed & the tears were streaming down my face – not a sobbing, but I still couldn’t stop the tears. Here was a woman who less than a month earlier had confessed her love for me to her best friend – to MY brother for goodness sake!! A woman who knew me, my strengths & weaknesses, my depression, my Borderline Disorder, my “black” places, A woman who had told me “I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I’VE EVER LOVED ANYONE IN MY LIFE” (No seriously … she really did say that – MORE than once!!). And now she was honestly LAUGHING AT ME.
But if that wasn’t bad enough already …. She tossed the papers on the bed in a kinda ‘disgusted’ way, having not even taking the time to read through all of it – my desperate attempt at trying to rescue whatever was left of “us” … & she says in a sick sarcastically – almost spat the words out way (unfortunately I remember this like it happened 10 minutes ago)
 
“Aah shame, are you going to cry again now…”
 
I went downstairs to sleep on the couch …..
 
The next morning I was woken (quite hung-over) with her starting to clean up the cottage & packing up & so on. She sees I’m awake & comes over to the couch – puts her arm around me & just says “please just love me” … WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!
But on the up-side, she did say I should go upstairs to the bed & get some more sleep while she finished up. So if for no other reason than to just get away from her, I did – a bit more sleep would definitely help for my hang-over too.
 
Later, I was woken slowly to the sound of “Heartbeat” by Enrique & Nicole Scherzinger – it was a song I really enjoyed at the time & so too did Luv. She had turned it up on the Hi-Fi (I needed to wake up anyway) & came upstairs – next thing I know she is sitting astride me (cowboy – but fully clothed) getting all kissy-cuddly with me as if there was nothing in the world wrong & we’d just had a wonderful getaway. Ordinarily this gesture would’ve been really nice & certainly romantic, but REALLY!!?? After all that had just happened, what on earth did she honestly expect – or is it just me??
 
AND SO THE TRAUMA WAS OVER – OR WAS IT!?
 
The rest of her SA holiday was comparatively uneventful. She was a bit more ‘caring’ & we spent a bit more time together, although she never did actually stay with me for more than 2 consecutive nights. But she was never again the person I thought I knew & things between us would never be the same again.
I remember her inviting me over on occasion to spend some time with her at Ln’s place – we even shared a bed when there & there was nothing to hide – Ln’s son even “teased” about hearing us in the evening (his room was adjacent to ours), but CONFUSINGLY, I was PROHIBITED from showing any affection to Luv in Ln’s presence … & of course Luv was as cold as ice whenever we were there.
 
There was also one instance, when at my place I had “interrogated” her somewhat for an explanation to her behaviour & the best I got was “I got cold feet about us”. Why she would develop cold feet I will never understand – I had never asked her or even implied commitment – hell I DIDN’T even want commitment – not after the marriage I had just gotten over a few years prior (but that’s another story). Not like we were getting married or even planning on living together – I knew her situation with her husband – he is in his 60’s already (10 years Luv’s senior) & I had accepted her decision in this regard. In fact it suited me just fine too (moral issues aside). I had assured her I would maintain my discretion & so on …. So WHY “cold feet” I just don’t understand.
In her explanation too, tables were turned & it was according to her, MY behaviour (the comments I made “I really hope that someone has died or something ….”) that motivated her to do what she had done – except this didn’t add up either – she had STARTED her behaviour LONG BEFORE I was ever driven to make such stupid statements in the first place. LONG before I was even concerned or aware of any problems.
 
But at least I hadn’t lost her – my GREATEST fear in the world …. It’s just not “right” to be so in love with someone this way!!!
To give yourself over to someone so completely – to lay your heart, your mind & your soul BARE in their hands, in the belief they will cherish it as you do theirs … only for them to put the squeeze on it, throw it & kick it about like a football … & then to think it’ll all just go away, with a bit of kissing & cuddling.
3 Comments
  1. Headcase 9 years ago

     

    Tuesday 2nd October 2012.
     
    In the 2 ½ years I have been with my Luv, last night was the worst & the lowest I can ever remember in my entire life!!
    Even on a “normal” day I NEED to get home after work as fast as I possibly can, just so I can slam the door behind me & be alone .. where I can finally just stop fighting back all the emotions & let go. I will usually cry on & off for the rest of the evening until I finally turn off the TV & lights & try to get some sleep.
    Well last night was no different in this regard – except for the fact that technically I have broken up with my Luv exactly a week ago. She is “shattered” & is not making it easy to just walk away. She refuses to believe we are “over” – hell to be honest I don’t even know? How do you break up with someone you love so much over something that you are not even sure is real to begin with?? Maybe everything is just “in my head”!
    Well anyway, while in my “state” she phoned me …. I did my best to hide my emotions over the phone & tried to sound as normal as possible, but clearly was not very successful in this. She picked up on it almost immediately. First she tried a bit of the firm “tough-love” approach which only managed to upset me even more – I tried to say “bye” & hang up but she would just call straight back. Eventually I was sobbing so hard & uncontrollably I could hardly breath. She refused to just let me go & forget about trying to “fix” us. I did my best to push her away & convince her I was a complete lost-cause … I begged her to just leave me alone with my self pity “Its MY self-pity so just leave me alone with it!! But still she stayed strong (even though I KNOW she is hurting too & still cannot understand WHY I told her to [email protected]*% off) & refused to let me be alone – she stayed on the phone with me for almost 2 hours until my sobbing had eased enough for her to even somehow get a chuckle out of me – how CRAZY is that!!?? To be so low & in such a deep black place & yet still somehow find a little chuckle “sneak out”!!?? By the time she finally said good night, I had no tears left …. Just sat in the dark quiet of my room with my head in m y hands…. With only ONE question rushing around in my head … have a made the biggest mistake of my life telling her we are over (& I have made some WHOPPERS before!!)
    NOT MY PROUDEST MOMENT……..
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  2. jen3577 9 years ago

    i'm so sorry for all you are going through. it sounds immensely stressful and overwhelming. It might help for you to take a break for a week or so from your online friend to let you collect your thoughts. My best wishes go out to you.

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  3. SaltWaterDrinker 9 years ago

     Wow, that's quite a story. Your pain and rage fairly beam through your words.  I'm sorry you are hurting so much.  

    I'd go further than Jen3577 and say that you need to cut this sadist out of your life entirely.  

    Have you looked at any books on toxic relationships and codependency? I can't recommend any titles but know that there are plenty out there.

    Good luck to you!

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