Mmm, throw a bunch of words together, and suddenly it's a metaphor! Teenage angst underlying deep regret and even deeper guilt makes life a little bit edgy, but I think that's what we've all got here. We've got life, aging, everything that comes with it…like our frustration or everyday trivial matters. Then we have something huge that bothers us everyday as well, and mix that together, and here we are…simply complicated vessels of emotions.
Now let's get this straight. I am conceited. I do not consider myself one of those frilly, naive, giggly teenage girls. I don't want to ever be considered one, one of those girls that frets over boys and only gets Depression Tribe to talk about herself and her pretty little parent problems and manicure issues. To be labelled as a simple little girl would be an insult.
The thing is, I am a simple teenage girl, still having my moments. But if I may talk about something here or anywhere else about "drama" or girl issues, then I am venting and blowing it out of proportion to express my "repressed" feelings, as Freud might say. Lol, I'm stupid. He wouldn't describe it as that. But I mean "repressed" in the sense that I really don't have true female friends to bond over and share giggles and stories, so I vent and avoid acting like one of those girls.
In my other blog, I was babbling about boy number two…I think. A junior. Smoker, driver, and likes rock. He's not so much as a rebellious bad boy as is just a normal white kid. I liked him because he's quiet. Loud and obnoxious people turn me off. Turns out, that makeup I pave over my face everyday? At least it doesn't repulse him. I'm not saying he's shallow, just the opposite. And apparently, I have good taste in "matching clothes" (if that's possible) and nice hair. It's funny, because I consider everything he compliments on me as the exact opposite, a bit disgusting and something I'd like to change.
We're dating, getting to know each other. Since I've started hanging around this kid, I've been smoking more and eating less just by convenience. And we're developing a good girlfriend boyfriend relationship, something I hope doesn't get out of hand.
You just have to think about the ending, when it will end, because we're teenagers. To us, most relationships will end later if not sooner, and we can't possibly consider ourselves as any outlier. I like that, that dismal view of the world. The truth.
Texas has the TAKS this week. Math was easier than I expected, so the other two tests should be fine. All homework is done so therefore I'm on here. I should be out, exercising right now…but I'm not in that mood.
I get obsessive for 4-8 days in intervals. I go extreme on my body and exercising and avoid eating too much (as always). But it pays off on my less favorable body parts, making them favorable again. I haven't had an obsessive episode for a while though, probably because I have PE either way. I like being obsessive, it gives me something to care about.
Obsession. How long has it been since I cut through my flesh? Since July. 9 months. Honestly, cutting was stupid. Oh, it felt good, to rebel against what's socially accepted. But it was a pain to cover up or explain. I always felt like people judge me with their eyes and I hate that. I despise being judged negatively and it makes me break down inside, in my guts.
But it happens. Life happens. Shit happens. We still live.
My "boyfriend"'s mom is quite an interesting person. She only eats raw food and doesn't eat meat. She burns incense and has an apartment decorated with wooden middle east decorations. And she does yoga (though not seriously). I love this woman. I just want to hug her forever. She had a magazine in her bathroom, something about spirituality and the earth and I loved reading it. If I wasn't so shy about my spirituality, I'd love to bond with her. But I'm just a kid. What do I know about what I like?
I like the Catcher in the Rye and its course through Caulfield's life. Bittersweet moments, never broken down. I don't know. I just found it beautiful.
Now I'm stalling.
Enjoy your Depression Tribe visit.