So I am having a hard time figuring out if things are real or they are "OCD THOUGHTS." I am starting to question my feelings for my loved ones. How do I know anything is real anymore? I keep having these "black outs" where I will be watching T.V. and all the sudden I will see a man (the same man inmy thoughts) come in and I will be begging for my sons life and I just watch him kill me. It gets so real that all the sudden I come back into it and just scream! Please if anyone has these too, please, let me know!

Back with the feelings for my loved ones….how do I know I feel these things? Like how do I know my love for my boyfriend is true? I am just scared like I feel like my feelings have been lied about all these years. Of course all my thoughts have been one big lie too!! I just feel lied too. I can't keep thinking about this. I have also had these "thoughts" that I have feelings for my boyfriends dad. I do know that we have not said many words to each other in 3 years and now because we have a "mental illness" to relate to. It does feel special to me that we can now talk about things. It just seems weird to me.

I also keep having these "thoughts" that I have done something wrong and I am so unsure that I did anything I just know I did something wrong. I keep asking Bonnie and Emerson if I did anything wrong and they say I didn't. I am scared that I don't know whats between my OCD and my reality. I am so scared that I am going to hurt someone out of defense in keeping them safe with not knowing it is real.

I also have been having really embarrising "thoughts" that sometimes aren't even embarrising butI feel that way. Like with my thoughts of the feelings for you know who(as said above) I had to tell him I thought he has a cute smile because I couldn't keep thinking about it…(which he does, ocd realated or not) but I keep thinking what I said as super embarrising…so when I think these things in my head I have to scream someones name (ex: kevin or bonnie) just so I can get the thought out of my head. Bonnie gets mad at me because she thinks I am just trying to be annoying about it…but she does not know whatI am thinking. I think I have been either saying words, names or phrases when I think of embarrsing stuff.

Until now.

XO XO

amber