Well, its been since this weekend that I last posted the hell I'm going through now with my family…and things have gotten worse in some spots…and better in others, but I'm still in excrutiating pain anyway. That weekend that my mother barged back into my dad's house where Eric my fiance and I are living together REALLY added to the stress that was ALREADY existing in that house. I had a week of ABSOLUTE HELL last week, dealing with my doctors, my meds, and trying to find some releif SOMEWHERE but only found more grief. I went to my "social worker," (who knows sh*t about OCD and told me to snap a rubber band around my wrist whenever I get a bad thought), and I told her that Eric and I are in a really rough spot right now, with living at my dad's, dealing with my family's bs, him just getting full time at his new job, me TRYING to find ANY job, my students loans on my ass, my parents refusing to help me financially at all with my loans, while Eric is the only one of the two of us with income who pays for the rent here at my dad's and all our groceries. So we're broke, trying to save for a house (at least thats what he tells me), and in the mean time, we're stuck here because Eric doesn't know whether or not to RENT or BUY a home…big back and forth with that so according to him, thats the main reason why we still have not moved out of my father's house…but my mind is telling me that he is just not sure that he wants to really stay with me or not (then I get clips in my head of heart break songs, like that awful one by Katy Perry, who I hate, called "hot and cold," and it repeats in my head over and over and I can't turn it off)…my mind is telling me that Eric is unsure about whether or not he wants to stay with me and so he is stalling. These thoughts (or valid concerns) have gotten increasingly worse since the bs this past weekend with the family drama here, but what didn't help even before then, is something my shrink said to me last week…I was sobbing in her office (the month of December, I have been coming to her every week and I'm broke), and I'm telling her that things with Eric and I have been rocky because we've been under so much stress and we've been getting into arguments with eachother, and that I was really scared because that isn't a good sign…we have good times with eachother also, but we have been arguing more during the past month or so, but I try to let myself know…we're both really stressed out. I've said to him multiple times, "If this is all too much for you, then maybe we shouldn't be together anymore, and he always says NO and tells me that we'll be fine, and I really hope that he's sincere in that. He tells me that he's paying $800 a month to live in this scuzzy basement in this sh*t hole of a house with my disfunctional family because he WANTS to live WITH ME and not just move back hom…I try to hold onto that when trying to figure out whether or not he knows if he loves me or not….Since we've moved back into my dad's we have had a much harder time, especially me with my OCD increasingly getting worse. But when we get stressed and argue, it feeds my OCD EVEN MORE because then I feel like my OCD has validity to it…Eric has held on during this hell for almost a year and almost every week, I have asked him if he still wants to "do this," and he always says yes…but then I dont believe him, because I think, "How the hell are we going to get through this?" Eric told me that he thinks my thoughts are the way they are right now because I'm nervous that he hasn't set a date yet…and YEAH he's right. I feel like he's dragging his feet and is purposely making excuses with us moving out and setting a date because he's still trying to make up his mind…but then I'll try to rationalize with myself and say," Well if we did set a date for our wedding…we would need to know where and when it is..that requires money, and right now, I'm making $40 a week modeling for art classes because I cant find any full time jobs…AND if Eric is sincere, we still don't even have our own place to live, and I couldn't be planning a wedding in my basement and niether could he…then with moving…I think is there evidence that he wants to move out…we're talking to a relator who sends us info on houses to buy every week and every so often, Eric will ask me to look at the property info and will tell me to write down which ones I like so that we can drive by the properties and see if we like them, but since his second job picked up more momentum, he is CONSTANTLY working literally 24/7…he comes home from his 9-5, sleeps for 3 hrs, and then goes onto his computer where he does his telecomuting job until around 3 am, then does it all over again the next day, and even does his telecommuting job over the weekend….Latley he has been grid-lock busy with his work and I SEE it, so I believe it,otherwise, I would think he was lying about not having any time to look around at properties right now, we havn't looked at any houses for over a month and this contributes to my thoughts and my ANXIETY and depression and UNCERTAINTY of our relationship and his commitment to it….last week, my shrink said, "Well maybe you two need to go to relationship counseling…do you feel that the relaionship is beyond repair?…why don't you just go home and not tell Eric ANYTHING we talked about and just act like everything is fine until he is ready to talk about your relationship because it sounds like he needs to commit more to it…BAM…thats all I needed to hear….that was it. And the feeling I have of uncertainty of out relationship has grown 10 fold since then….and I'm not even done talking


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