Hello,

My name is Irrelevant.

I am 19 yo and live in the Netherlands,

Sinds my I was 13 and half I have experienced thoughts that began tormenting me. This thought made me anxious because often they where a taboo. These where just thoughts who bumped into my minded, but not like normal thoughts they where thought about myself. Thoughts about that maybe I wanted to do something or I was something. These ideas where a Taboo for me, and very incontrary looking at how I was raised. Thoughts which most people ignore or don't give much atention. And before this age I didn't gave them attention. They just passed by. And then one time I it happend.One time I draw a picture of my sister, and I felt kind of attracted to this drawing. And then a tremendous thought hit me''Does this mean I am in love with my sister?" This was when I started experiencing a terrible feeling of guilt and a kind of desperation, because in my enviroment these kind of thoughts where one of the biggest taboo's there existed. I saw myself in a kind of dramatic movie getting old whitch this terrible taboo, having children and having this live of a disgraced. So why didn't I just let it flow? Well, I think that is because on the other hand I come from a famillie that is very open about everything and in which every problem that someone had was always faced head-on. And I always remember that my mother said that you never have to put away your feelings. So in this case I thought that I had put away my feelings and that I had to bring them up because you had to be honest to yourself. So I started to look for my real feeling but at the same time I was affraid of finding it because for me it ment the worst disgrace of all. But I had to be honest to myself. This way of thinking made me terribly anxous and stressed all the time my sister was near. So the way I tried solving it was by doing something that wasvaguely an extensions of what I was thinking about, so I could feel what it did with me. This always helped but after a while I had to do it again to get the same effect. But in the end I found the way to fix this visionary circle. I just had to accept the fact, even if it wasn't true. Because this gave a me a beautifull calm. This treatment also helped for me when I thought I was gay on the same way, but than there came a the suicide thoughts. One day I felt very miserable because I felt maltreated at school. For the record I was bullied the full extend of my primary school and a part small part of my secondary. So when I was sitting there in my room, a thought blew accross my mind."There are kids who commited suicide in my position, am I one of them, do I want to?" This thought made me shiver. It is the ultimate taboo for me. It was one of the subject everybody prefers to not talk about. It made me so intenly desperate and anxious. Somehow then I applied the same method of thinking to this problem as whitch the other thougt. I wanted to find out, because of this almost oath to myself to be honest and to not put your feeling away. But at the same time I felt very affraid I would do it. I thought about all the consequences it would have all the unahppy people I would cause. But this made me even more desperate because that ment that if I would find out I wanted to kill myself it would be terrible. I felt not sure. First I tried to reason myself out of it. My reasoning whas, if I want to kill myself it means I am unhappy and have no one who loved me, so I looked at it for a while and saw that there where people who loved me so It wouldt be an option for me. But after a while it didnt help to think these thinks anymore because I thought''What if I just want to die because I'm crazy?' This scared me even more but I thought that this feeling of anxiousness and stress was a kind of feeling that hided my tru feeling, So I got very affraid I would find out that in essence I wanted to kill myself. So i thougt'Maybe if i try it I will know'. But here is the thing you cant try to die, so I did things that came close the feel that I didnt wanted it, but just like with the other thought It didnt I had to do it every time because every time my head got around it in some kind of way. So my half attempts got worse. I was so affraid that I would find out that wanted that that I was affraid to look which actually blinded my feelings. Trying to let go I also tried and I am convinced that the cure is there, but when I think for example 'I accept that I want to kill myself'' To be able to let go. I no immediatley after that think'so you have to do it' So this left me so affraid that I didnt wanted to accept because I was affraid that than I would just do it. Now I just avoid everything that is in someway an instrument that could kill me, but this Is really stressing as well because I cant avoid everything. I really would like to let go of my thoughts, but for me that is like I just don't solve the problem. So If someone knows or can relate to this kind of thought please write me back. Its really stressing.