Hey everyone. I haven't been here in a while, not since my last melt down. I'm sinking into a deep depression where I have no inspiration to do anything. My "art block" is back and this time, it has some OCD to accompany it. Every time I walk into my studio to do some artwork, they come into my mind…"What are you doing, why are you bothering, no one cares, no one cares about your shitty artwork, that's why you still don't have a REAL art job. There are so many other people doing what you WISH you could do…but you won't ever do it, becuase you're just a loser. It doesn't matter how hard you try, you will always be that person everyone feels bad for because you won't amount to anything." Then, I try fighting them off, but its doesn't work. My mind tells me that I'm wasting time and money doing my art work. Right now I'm adjuncting and I'm in my first year of grad school. I'm specializing in illustration and until now, I haven't ever applied to any publications or studios…but now I'm starting. The worst part is that I know people in this field. 2 to be exact. Old professors of mine who I still talk to. One I've been "hinting" that I really would like to be introduced to someone who might be interested in hiring me for a freelance illustration project…but for the past 3 years…nothing. Then I found out that this girl, a student of his, who graduated last year, is working as a freelance illustrator. That REALLY STUNG. Her work is alright, but it's not over the top amazing, I coudn't understand why he helped her get a freelance job and not me. It's agonizing. I don't even want to try. Because I feel like applying is just wasted time, no one will answer me anyway. This feeling of "why bother," is seeping into everywhere else my life now. With answering e-mails, keeping up with students, taking care of the house, taking care of myself…I've given up and I don't know how to get out of it…or why I should bother. I'm SO ANGRY