Don't you ever feel that dying little piece inside that was once the real you trying desperately to fight for control of your body and emotions, trembling when it fails and each time you get closer and closer to doing something potentially deadly?  First it starts with innocent scratching, then it proceeds deeper and deeper until you find yourself staring at a bottle of cleaning fluid, being afraid to go near the street, and finally reaching out for your bottles of aspirin.  I have exactly 26 500mg Tylenol by the way.  It's frightening, and you have no one to turn to, no one that can save you because you have no friends and you can't speak enough to find help.  Calling a crisis line will only get you hung up on.

I'd hate to say that I'd rather be in some other situation that's supposed to be worth than my life because it sounds selfish, but it's true.  Is there really a point in living like this another year, invisible, lonely, sad, uninterested?  It's not like I have any life prospects either… I'm not even competent at anything.  I'm stupid and ugly to boot… practically undesirable.  My life consists of work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep, with bouts of boredom stuffed between.  I don't even have interest in anything anymore.  It just seems so stupid to sit here accomplishing nothing, being able to do nothing because I'm either too stupid, too physically weak, or too introverted.  No matter what I do, I cannot escape this hell.  Who knows how long it will take before I finally take the final snap.  I wonder what it's like to have real friendships?  Not likely I'll ever know.  I've already failed as a friend (and all my other life roles)… that's interesting how I'm not only mediocre at everything, but absolutely hopeless as well.  Yet I'm not strong enough to do anything about it.  I just don't want to do this anymore.  No more no more no more.  MEHHHHH.  I'm certainly not good enough for the girl I like, let alone able to reveal any such thing.  Heck I'll just find a way to drive them away like everyone else.  And then everyone else will hate me like they should though they'll pretend I'm ok because they feel sorry for my extreme patheticness.  Well that's what it's like to go through life without a voice, without anyone trying to help you learn social skills, without anyone even trying to teach you sign language, let alone have any ounce of confidence that you'll ever get better.  Why not, it's been ten years, ten freaking pathetic years, and I just want it all to endddddd… if I didn't have one person who would be hurt, I could freely leave so nobody would care and nobody would have to miss me.  And is that a huge sacrifice, one person?  I suppose so, just because the ultimate curse upon my family.  I'm part of it, I just bring everyone else down.  I'm a burden, and the world would be better without.  Would it really be selfish, when I've been forced to live all these years solely for others… why can I not do one thing for me after all of this bs?


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