A scuba diver who isn’t adept at buyouncy control usually ends up kicking up so much of the ocean floor that he can’t see sh*t through the silt. That’s how I feel, right now.
I feel pretty sh*tty this a.m. That’s nothing unusual. Yesterday was brutal. Way too many questions I’m not ready to answer – I guess, it’s the same for Charlie.
Ace asked me a simple question about the whole situation, and I almost started to hyperventilate.
I’ve been through so much with it already – trying to accept that it’s over, thinking that maybe it isn’t over, trying to get a read on Charlie’s screwy head, and trying not too feel too much, too deeply, in connection to it, because I’ve felt like I had no say (it’s been in Charlie’s court for some time, now) about where it’s all going. Well, yesterday was a hard dose of reality. A reminder of just how far apart we’ve gotten…
I don’t really understand where we’re at, or where I’m at, and sometimes it gets more confusing than I think I can stand. Thank God for Ace.
Anna came over last night. That was nice enough.
Charlie got a phone. He had it for a month, and didn’t tell me – assuming it’s actually only been a month. And, he’s not sure about us ("I don’t know," he says, and I say, "about anything," as if answering a question. And he says, with so much sadness, "yeah."). And, that’s assuming that he isn’t holding back a more a definite declaration, for fear I’ll plunge a needle into my arm. Or perhaps, for fear that he would plunge one into his… I don’t know. I don’t know anything.
I am so out of sorts, right now. If I didn’t have Ace talking me through it, being so ridiculously patient with me, I don’t know what I would do with myself.
Well, today Charlie and I are going to spend some time together. We’ll see how that goes.