so yeah, i have been crying most of the day. nothing to trigger it really just crying. i went to my psychiatrist today because the medication she put me on two weeks ago caused me to break out in a rash over 30% of my body and to have chest pain and difficulty breathing. so beacause of the chest pain i had to go to the er last night and have an ekg done and 3 breathing treatments and i'm still having chest pain and trouble breathing. so anyways i had to go see the psychiatrist today because i need some sort of medication to stabilize my moods because of my bi-polar disorder. so once i got to the doctors i told her that today my boss told me that i can't miss anymore work or he'll have to let me go, which is crap cuz i've only missed 2 and 1/2 days because i sprained my knee. so anyways i told my psychiatrist that i can't deal with this. i cried 3 times at work today and haven't felt like going all week because i've been depressed and that if i get let go from this job it'll be the third job i've been fired from in 6 months. she suggested i go on disability until we get my medication figured out and my moods stabilized. now i feel bad because i know certain people have far worse situations than mine and they work but i can't do it. i can't handle it and i don't know why. i miss who i used to be though. i miss the girl that was strong and confident and could do anything she set her mind to. i feel like a failure now. i feel like i've let everyone down. i'm not going to school and now i'm not even going to be working because i'm so screwed up mentally that i can't handle it. i also feel like i i have no one i can really talk to about it. theres maybe two people i have been talking to but theres certain people i want to be able to talk to but i can't and i don't know why. i wish i knew why her and i don't talk anymore. why we go weeks and weeks without a call to eachother or anything when before we couldn't go a week without seeing each other. maybe its my fault. maybe i pushed her away or closed myself off or something i don't even realize i did. i miss her though. i wish things would go back to the way they were before. i wish i didn't feel so lost and hopeless.

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