Today was one of those days. One of those days when all I want to do is completely zone out. I don't want to get up, I don't want to go to classes, I don't want to cook or eat, I don't want to deal with my husband. The only thing I do want to do is hold my baby. I love watching him play and laugh and I just adore kissing his cheeks and tickling his rib cage and nomming on his toes.

I remember feeling this way before my son, even before I got married. I have no idea what kept me moving before. I can't remember my motivation to keep going through the motions, other than I can't commit suicide. I know if I committed suicide, my family would resurrect me, make me clean up the mess, kill me, resurrect me to clean up that mess and then ground me until I'm dead. I know the toll that suicide takes on a family. My Uncle Bobby committed suicide a month or two before my parent's wedding. My mother was the only person to really tell me about him, and while she understood the pain that he was in, that didn't diminish the pain in her soul from his passing. I never wanted to cause anyone in my family that kind of pain again.

So I guess that is always my underlying motivation, that I don't want to cause that sort of pain to my family. And I guess that means that the tiredness and pain that I feel isn't really all that bad in the long run. But now I have a better reason, my son makes me happy. It's not an all the time happy but it's better than just not wanting to cause someone else to feel a similar pain.

But back to today, I hate feeling like I have to struggle to continue with my life. I want to be a better person for my son, I don't want him to have a mother that randomly starts sobbing uncontrollably in the kitchen. But I also don't want to be the kind of mother that only doesn't start randomly sobbing uncontrollably in the kitchen because her life is so wrapped around her child and his happiness. I am working on finding balance. My son is a reason to live, but he shouldn't be my only one. Just like not wanting to cause my family to relive through the pain of losing a loved one to suicide shouldn't be my only reason to live either.


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