Last night me and my boyfriend had a very big talk, it ended up with me crying in a way that I haven't cried in years. It all started because he was thinking about what life would be like if he died, I don't like it when he talks like that. Basically he tried to commit suicide and the entire time I was crying and holding him down so that he wouldn't go do it. The entire time he was telling me how I don't love him, I'm not even really sad that he wants to kill himself and just a lot of hurtful things. So I started crying even harder, the final straw when I gave up was when he relaxed and started telling me how he wasn't even trying to get out of my grip and how if he really wanted to go kill himself he would and there would be nothing I could do to stop him and that I couldn't over power him. Basically he started asking me why I don't love him and I told him why, I told him that I really do want to love him again but I'm scared to. He constantly makes me feel like shit and feel worthless and ugly and after awhile I got tired of crying and tired of all the arguments so I made myself stop loving him. It is confusing when you hate and love the same person at the same time. I told him that the reason why it's hard for me to completely give up on him is because I can see the good in him, I can see a caring, loving, tender person in him but he chooses to be an asshole.
That's when he told me that because of a few girls that hurt him and took advantage of him he changed who he was. That he used to be a very loving and tender person but stopped being that person when those girls hurt him. So basically he's making me pay for those girls' mistakes, the same thing that he doesn't like me doing, and I told him this. And he denied it, he said that he doesn't hold any grudges or anything against those girls. If you don't hold any grudges against those girls then why are you no longer that loving tender person?
Basically I came to this conclusion, he's never going to be happy because he was hurt by a few girls. He wants me to completely change how I am on the inside (way of thinking, emotions, everything), give him the freedom he wants (both of us be able to mess around with other people while still dating but have no commitment to eachother) and still love him, all while losing as much body weight as much as physically possible, no fat, just all muscles and bones, and work full time while also keeping the house clean. And what will he do? Work to keep money coming in…that's it.
I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle. He says that he loves me, and his proof is that he's been with me for 9 months, so to him that proves he loves me. I've been trying for almost the past 6 months to change how I am. Honestly, I feel extremely stupid for still loving him, a little piece of me still loves him and I don't want to, it sucks. He claims to be realistic in his thoughts and goals…from what he wants (as said in above paragraph) it doesn't sound like he's very realistic to me. I wish I had money…it would make the way I'm feeling SO much easier.
But I don't, so I guess the big question is…is it worth it? Should I even try again? I've been trying so hard to fix things and it doesn't do anything. I feel so useless and like I can't do anything right. I had been thinking for a while and I came to many conclusions about my life, but with him…it's like my brain is split in two. Half knows what is the right thing and the best thing for me to do, while the other half of my brain just wants to keep holding on and not want anyone else.