I am not content. I know why I believe but you know, I keep wanting to b lame everyone else but myself. I keep looking at the one person who truly knows me and I think to myself.."Jerk! You did this!"
But in essence, no one really did anything to me. My depression isn't anyone's fault. It really isn't even mine. Oh sure, I can do things to try to change my circumstances and perhaps change how I am feeling and it will help for a while but the depression comes back because it is a part of me. It is a disease I carry within me that often lays dormant and I accept that. Accepting it for what it is has helped me get past certain dark and harmful emotions that I might not have before. It however doesn't remove me from this deep sense of gloom and frustration I feel right now.I don't even think medication can do that. Who knows, I don't want any right now though. I honestly feel that time and my effort to change things will help me.
Life is what we make it and I must admit that though I am not living in a mansion with a yacht outside my expansive view, I am doing alright in my world. The bills get paid and we are able to occassionally enjoy the finer things in life but it is not enough for me. I want more, I need more. I need to grow and change and expand my horizons. I am convinced that I am a modern day gypsie of the old days, always needing to roam and be free to explore the world around her. Yup, yup. I am afraid that I will never be truly satisfied and hence where my depression comes from. I have set my sights far to high for me to ever reach them and I doom myself from the get go to failure. Stupid me, when will I learn….