Well, after I got up today and started getting ready for another night shift the wife called.  She was telling me about the check up today for the baby, that’s due in a couple months.  Then she said there was something else and she hoped I wouldn’t be angry.  To be honest nothing really crossed my mind and I wasn’t sure what I could be angry about and then she tells me she mentioned my depression to the doctor.  I was a little suprised but only fealt relief because I don’t know if I really could have brought it up to my doctor, which by the way I don’t have anymore.  She left the office I’d been seeing and I have to find a new one.  This doesn’t bother me because I didn’t care for her anyways (went in for a FULL physical and all my questions and concerns were brushed away and I was in and out in under 10min!?!  Some physical).  She was told they have an excellent therapist in the area and it was marked in my file to give me a call, so I don’t even have to worry about getting the courage to do that either.  But I still really don’t know if I am ready, I seem to have this powerful mental block about doing this.  I don’t like to go into something not knowing whats going to happen or what is expected of me.  Maybe if some of you didn’t mind sharing your experience that first time (not details of course but kinda what happens).  Like I mentioned in my last post I have this feeling that as soon as I start getting asked questions I might break down and I don’t know if I want to do that in front of someone, especially a stranger.  The few times (and I do mean few times) I’ve broken down it’s been in private.  I usually drive out somewhere in the middle of know where and have it out.  Don’t get me wrong I’m not bragging about this to sound matcho but it’s just something I don’t do.  I usually feel numb to things and I don’t really know how to handle things.  For instance death; over the last few years a few members of my family have died (a grand mother and great grand mother of old age and a cousin in a car accident) and while I cared for them I didn’t really know how to feel or what to do.  I was sad about what happened but I didn’t seem to feel anything and I kind of just put a mask on in front of everyone. 

Kind of rambling but I’ve been noticing the more I share it seems kind of like practice and is making things a little easier.  Anyways, back on point the leap has been made and now I just need to follow through.



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