So last night I was feeling REALLY really horrible. I was trying very hard not to revert back to self-harm as I have resorted to it a few times recently after not having done it for three years. I have some very gruesome, painful cuts healing on my legs at the moment and I'm determined not to add anymore. So instead I laid on the couch and had a few panic attacks before I finally just got tired out enough that I passed out for the night.
When I woke up this morning, I was still feeling kind of hopeless and if it weren't for work, it might have been one of those days where I don't even get up. I've had a few of those recently…but after being at work for a while, I'm starting to feel hopeful. It's been nice and quiet, so I've been able to think, and the people that have come in to the library have all been very kind people. I feel like there's hope for me. I'm doing everything I can right now to get help and get better and my family's been supportive so far. I just get scared that I'll lose my drive along the way, sometimes…
The hardest parts through all of this is the possibility of Thyroid Cancer and also the possibility of losing my sweetheart of 3 years. He saved my life and became the best friend that I've ever had in my entire life, but at the same time that I'm going through a bunch of crap right now, he's also having a bit of an identity crisis/mental breakdown. We don't really have the energy to support each other, but we still love each other and don't necessarily want to break it off. It's just hard to know if breaking up would be healthier for ourselves or not. About a week and a half ago, I was completely devastated by the thought and felt that I wouldn't be able to carry on if that happened, but today I feel like I could handle it. His happiness and health means the world to me, as does my own, so if he decides that breaking up would be best, I won't fight it. I also feel hopeful that there are other adventures out there for me; that life won't stop having meaning if I lose him. Luckily for my Thyroid, such disorders are easily treated, it's just a very painful experience as of right now. On top of being a mental disaster, I feel sick and gross all the time physically.
Hopefully the rest of my day will continue to be as peaceful as it has been so far. I've found throughout my life that being as kind to people as I possibly can be, and doing my best to brighten their days, actually makes my day a little brighter, too. I'm thankful for some peace of mind, even if it does come to me while I'm at work.
