I need to stop reacting so much to every shift in Charlie’s mood.  Every time he’s a little distant, or down, I assume it’s a statement about us, and I start to feel awful.  And, he is a bit distant, and withdrawn, today.  A little less concerned with me…  a little more self involved…  but, I shouldn’t assume he’s doing it to communicate something to me about us.  I just have that tendency lately b/c I’m hard up for any indicationof where we’re at.  I latch on to every bit of affection and kindness like it means something, so, I guess, it makes sense that I would tend to do the opposite, as well.  I’m feeling a little better about not fixating on the past (not letting myself hide in my memories and daydreams of simpler times – on the southside the world may have been dog-eat-dog, but it made sense to me.  I knew how to get by there, and I knew where I stood.  And, I had wonderful friends).  It’s getting a little easier.  I felt pretty raw, at first, not letting myself retreat to the usual places, but I’m adjusting.  The thing is…  I don’t know if I’ll ever be comfortable talking about any of that stuff with Charlie, again, or if he’d ever be comfortable listening, and that seems like a huge potential problem for us.  I don’t know what he thinks about a lot of things, because he stopped telling  me the truth in some respects a long time ago.  He thought I was getting more and more unbalanced.  He said nothing.  He thought  I was havig an affair (long before I ever did, apparently) and he said nothing.  During that time, he claimed to trust me, and he clearly did not. Now, he hasn’t changed his tune since saying "it’s over" the day it all hit the fan.  But, it’s been nearly a month and a half, and he hasn’t repeated those sentiments.  He has said that he loves me, but he doesn’t say it consistently, and he doesn’t kiss me.  But, we do spend all our time together, and hold each other at night, and take care of each other.  In the a.m. we eat pastries and doughnuts together, and laugh at old TV shows until he has to go to work.

But, today’s a little different.  He’s a little further away.  A little colder…  a little less concerned with me… 

It’s the weekend.  That might have something to do with it.  When Quinn would normally come around.  I wonder if he thinks I’m going to see Quinn.  Of couse, I’m not.  We’ve had no communication.  We’ve stayed away from each other like the plague, even though it hurts like hell (for me, anyway – I don’t know what Quinn’s feeling, b/c he hasn’t dropped me so much as a single call or email).  I’m going to try to get some things done today.  I have a plan to accomplish a few things, in tiny steps.  I had similar plans yesterday, but I let myself get paralyzed, and I sat here, in my little spot in front of my laptop, for most of the day.  I need to smoke less.  Cigarettes, that is…  I probably need to smoke less of the green stuff, too, but that helps my stomach, so, it’s at the bottom of my list in terms of priorities.  I’m more concerned with the cigs than the green.  Don’t have a lot of time with my man, so, I gotta roll for now.  More later…


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