right  now i feel terrible.  i\'m sick as hell. as well as just sick to my stomache. i feel like everything in my life is about to fall apart. i know i\'m strong, but i don\'t know how much more i can take. i\'m in the spotlight and its too bright. all eyes are on me, and i feel as if i am coming undone. i will hopefully be getting into a shrink finally and hopefully get my meds and mood stabalized. however there is way too much pressure and its crushing me. i feel so hollow right now it\'s such a terrible feeling. earlier today i was laying in bed sick and dreamed that i killed myself. it really scared me. there alot of things that are REALLY scaring me right now. the future is so uncertain, i don\'t know what to think or believe right now. this feeling of impending doom seems to have some factual reasons for exsisting, it\'s not just in my head. i feel like i am about to puke. i have tried as hard as i possibly can in every aspect of my life since moving here to california, but it seems somtimes my efforts go unnoticed as well as everything i have done and my extremely depressed state of mind. i think i am just bringing people down. i am good enough for noone(i tell myself that if i am not good enough for you then you are not good enough for me), but i feel like i am good enough for noone, and my dreams are slipping away. this has been a horrific day. i dont know what else to say. i just had to get this out. i am so afraid. scared to death. in disbelief.

i fucking swear, noone truly understands what i am going though. i dont mean people online. but irl. and maybe it shoudlnt make a difference, but in certain areas it does. i feel once again as if life is passing me by. in everyway. i am moving forward but way too slow for everyone. this is no good. i am no good. i have so much potential but i have a chemical imbalance, and this needs to be adressed first and foremost. i just wish people would understand that. once i am just somehwhat motivated i know i can have the world. but will the world wait for me? if not……….