Just wanted to rant. I gotta get this craziness out of my head and on the internet for you all to see and judge. "twitch twitch"

So for 10 months I have been telling anyone and everyone who would listen that yes I am odd….Yes I have my share of negative thoughts….Yes I have a history of panic disorder, but had gotten over it for the most part!! YAY! sigh……BUT THIS IS NOT YOUR ROUND ABOUT PANIC/ANXIETY PEOPLE!! SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY AMISS!!

SO what do the Dr.'s, psycho's, therapists and Nurse Practitioners I see and saw have to say about??? Sure it's anxiety? It's all in your head or OH OH! This is my most favorite of all!!! ………All your tests are normal, just pop these pills.

So a wonderful Dr. ACTUALLY find something wrong with me!! FINALLY!! Can't you hear the applause?? I can.. It's in my head… Hmmm maybe I need that medication after all… Oh wait I am gettin side tracked…

So anyways, she says PCOS! Endocrine problem. Effects lots of stuff going on in your body. Including hormones. So I go see my psycho the other day in Boise…. I tell him about it. He says wow that very well could be. SO what can I help you with since it is PCOS?

ARE YOU SERIOUS???? What happened to my wonderfly flawed outlook on life that causes me to drive myself into a panic? What happened to it's all in my head?? So he actually sits and awaits my answer…

I am speechless at this point. Wonderful man He really is… A bit clueless. So we just sit and look at eachother for a few minutes. Finally I say well there still is that stuff from my crappy childhood I should probably overcome and the fact that my mom is still driving me crazy from across the U.S. By the way yes she is a very talented woman.. She can afflict damage without even talking to me! Don' t you wish your parents were that talented??

So I proceed to try and convince my psycho I really need his help after spending months and months trying to convince people that I don't need help that I need hormones lol. What has become of me?? Am I attention starved or do I just fear that I really am off a bit and desperately need help. The fact that I am still sitting here questioning it should infact say something now shouldn't it???

At any rate it is funny how my psychiatric NP, psychologist just jump right on the band wagon that I am emotionally fine once I really do find a hormonal problem. Sigh. Makes me want to go into the profession because I feel people do not get taken seriously. Why is the first conclusion always that we are chemically imbalanced in the brain and need to pop pills or do years of intense therapy. Couldn't there bit another reason. An actually physical reason for it. Like something momentarily was pulled off balance and shouldn't we look for the reason why the chemicals became unbalanced? I mean really…yes it can be genetic but HELLO why? What is your body lacking that caused it or what is going on exactly?? Maybe I am wrong. Feel free to tell me… But It just can't be a thought you had one day….Why on earth would someone really want to be afraid to drive away from home or even just walk away from home… Yes I do believe that you have to push yourself and retrain your brain after an initial panic attack. You definately do spiral down and your thoughts get all jumbled and your thinking does become flawed. But think about it. Before your first ever panic attack did you say wow I am at the store that is scary??? Hell no. You had a panic attack out of no where AND THEN you decided going to the store was freakin disasterous and should not be attempted ever ever ever.

It's kind of like did the chicken come before the egg or vice versa… Did the thought come before the panic or the panic come before the thought??? Just something to ponder while I jump on my little band wagon here.


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