I do this. EVERY TIME i do this. I join something, i feel alienated, and i leave.

I play a game online called Guild Wars. it's one of those "play with people around the world" games… and you can form or join guilds. I joined this one guild because they seemed nice, and then left a few days later because i felt like the stranger of the group. The leader, "Purple", kept messaging me each day, asking how i was, how i felt, would i like to return… all done in the nicest possible way, and although they were nice, i kinda felt guilty about leaving and after a month near enough i gave in and said "ok".

I was in there a month this time but.. i still felt alone. They'd have meets and do quests and stuff together and i was always left out because i didn't have the right areas unlocked, or i wasn't on at the time, or more simply, i didn't fit in.

Just now, i joked about suicide. Not like "I R GONNA KILL MASELLF" but someone said "what can i do that's exciting" and i said "suicide". I got told off by Purple for this (i mean who would want someone talking about suicide in their group? I'm not as… sensitive to it as others are, i find things like that darkly amusing, and then i have to realise that no-one else actually does…), and i got angry. I don't fit in, i don't feel like i'm a part of the group, i never get included in anything, and here i am, still in here because i felt i owe it to this person, mostly because i felt guilty as hell for leaving the first time. So i ranted and raved, and then pushed them to kick me out.

This is the fun part. I'm now upset. I feel worse now than i did while in that group. Before i felt distanced and alone, only occasionally did i manage to click to someone briefly but then they were too busy playing the game with other people. Now i have nothing, barring some random person or persons in the world who think i'm an utter bastard… and that bothers me too. I want to tell them that it was just crap, how i felt and everything, but they don't want to know.

WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS. Anime club? Left because i felt alone. Aikido. I use the excuse that the doc told me not to go back (she did, but…) but in reality i felt alone, and didn't fit in. EVERYTHING is like this. I was going to leave here, because of the same thing.

How do i cope? I need to know because, i'm losing my sanity over this.

 

Edit: I spoke to Purple. I explained the situation. I dunno. It seems i'm not alone in the world, and i feel even worse now for what happened, and the hurt i caused… but at least i got to explain. I don't know if they will talk to me again but at least we parted on better terms, and i feel better for it i guess. 

7 Comments
  1. Ritualnet 14 years ago

    The music is STILL going on. Gah. I should play my music at 3am. See how they like it.

    It is. I like something or someone and push them away because i feel i'm bad for them, that they could have someone better in their group, or as a partner, or as a friend. The amount of people i've pushed away over the years is not funny, and i spend too much time thinking about them, what i could have said, what it might have been like had they not been forced out. All because i'm f*cked in the head basically. How many more people are going to suffer because i'm evil Mc Evil when i feel people are too close, or i don't fit in?

    I'll give it a try. Next time… i just, like on here. I'll chat and people go silent. I log on and people are on but not talking. In game, i'd make a joke and people go silent… and i know, they are busy. it's not a chat room it's a game. But… i feel like I caused it, and that it was all down to me, and that people hate me. I'm sick of it. 

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  2. Freesome 14 years ago

    "pushed them to kick me out"…..this statement of yours is very pointed.  Basically it would appear that no matter how angry or lonely you feel, at the root of it, you really DON'T want to be there…..otherwise you wouldn't push to be booted.  SA is a master manipulator, and usually provides us many means to avoid social interaction.   "Bad behavior" is just one of them.  EVERYTHING is like this and you KEEP doing this because you're afraid to step out of your comfort zone…..you desire to step out, but fear is holding you back.  Have you sought out therapy?  If not, is there any way you've been trying to overcome? (sorry don't know your history).  Read what you wrote one more time….honestly, it sounds as if you weren't included in things simply because of what you stated…not being there at the time, or not having unlocked certain areas….no one set that up.  The leader even took the time to message you and ask you to come back…..friendships take time and trust.  You not only have to give yourself a chance, but you have to take the risk of giving others a chance….and do that before you push to be kicked out.  Take a close look at your fear….it's the one at play here…and not allowing yourself to fit in.  Honestly, you do hold the control…..turn it into something good.

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  3. Ritualnet 14 years ago

    But, the question is, is it ME not wanting to be there, or is it the SA? I don't feel like i belong anywhere… so if that's the SA, i'm going to want to get out of most situations even if the real me (not that i've found that real me yet) wanted to be in them or not.

    I agree about the comfort zone.  I have missed countless (several) movies now in the cinema, including that 3d Beowulf, because i couldn't bring myself to leave the house. I'd rather sit here upset that i couldn't go to the last screening, hating myself, than leave.

    I do give people chances. I just, take any knock back as instant rejection. I know i do this, i just can't STOP doing it. Urgh door, brb. 

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  4. Freesome 14 years ago

    Is it the SA or you?  Any type of emotional distress syndrome defines us….it becomes ingrained in our psyche…not unlike a mirror image.  There's no telling one apart because they are virtually one.  Of course you haven't found the real you yet, because you realize that this huge SA part of your personality isn't going to be the "real" you…..or at least you don't want it to be.  If you just CANT stop, then you're not ready yet.  You are showing signs however of an urgent desire to be ready….kinda like an alcoholic that is quickly approaching a rock bottom.  Your behavior is compulsive but at the same time a negative.  Congrats, many are far from this stage.  Recovering is all about attitude….how badly you want change, and how hard you're willing to work at it.  What are you doing to actively help yourself with all of this? 

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  5. Ritualnet 14 years ago

    I'm going to see a counsellor, although it's early days yet, and she's the uni one, rather than a 'professional'. Apart from that, i keep away from people, and that normally works?

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  6. sonne63 14 years ago

    It's late right now, and I am really tired, so forgive me if my response seems uninformed

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  7. sonne63 14 years ago

    It's late right now, and I am really tired, so forgive me if my response seems uninformed. What I first noticed about you is your great sense of humour; how you make the serious not quite so serious; how you take the serious edge off and put something in perspective. I think you are beating yourself up too much, and I think this has a lot to do with your crummy neighbour. Noisy neighbours is the reason why I bought a house and am very poor, because that is better than living in an apartment building or seim-detached house where the neighbours drive you nuts. I know that I push people away because I have a knee-jerk reaction to being hurt that I have had forever. I forgive myself for this, because I kow what was done to me to make me feel that this is what I have to do to protect myself from hurt. It might be the same for you. You say something inappropriate or off putting to avoid being hurt by the person/people in the long run, because that's how it has played out so far. But I can't help feeling that you are a naturally cheerful person, and that this will help you. All I know is you cheer me up, and I have been told that I am the most serious person that anyone has ever met by just about everyone I ever knew. So, thanks for the cheer. And tell your neighbour to f___ off from me!

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