I would just like to point out that i came to a few realizations and they all occured over night after hanging out with someone . I guess you can have revelations in sleep. I feel different somehow, and im aware of something i wasnt before. I dont want to be a piss ant in this funk anymore. I've been acting like i havent wanted to for far too long and in return i get shit from people. I'm seriously done getting shit from people just b/c im a little diff nowadays, a lil calmer, god forbid im a bit down and not spunky all the time… im not a big mouthed attention hor. There is beauty is subtely, people. There is beauty in waiting for personality to shine. I hate being judged, i wont shine if im judged and i can smell it from a mile away. I will clam up and be as awkward as a 4 yr old girl hiding behind her mommys leg. I like real people, i feed off of genuine-ness. if its not a word i just made it one.

The one thing i will say is that i know i hold back and i cant keep relying on people to gut me like a fish to get it out of me. Something is holding me back and i dont know what the fuck it is, but im determined to find out. I'm just about fed up with all the things that have transpired in the past couple years and im really sick of feeling sorry for myself or looking to people for support. I'm sick of feeling pain every day, its getting worse and eating me up inside. It affects my whole attitude toward life and people. I'm more nervous and more anxiety ridden b/c of it. I'm going to take teh pills and im not going to let any other opinion get in the way of that. Yeah, im against most pills, yeah there are alternative remedies but when it comes to nerve pain, yur pretty much screwed unless you are willing to take in foreign chemicals. I am willing now, fuck it. I;m done worrying about teh side effects and long term effects. The side effects are probably a far cry from the pain ive been feeling. If those dont work, im getting that shot in my spine, ive made up my mind. I'm going to give the pills a fair shot though and see how bad the side effects are, I do not want the fusion. It will just pause my life. Recovery is way too long and the chance thatll make it better is a crapshoot, it also puts tremendous pressure on other discs which i will undoubtedly have problems with later on in life. I'm also going to get a topical steroid and see if that helps, its supposed to eliminate any side effects b/c its absorbed through the skin and doesnt go through your blood stream and intestines.

I may have a shoe in to the coding dept, through my Physical therapist. He said he knew someone who worked in the field and he thinks he could get me in for an interview at the hospital not too far from me. Due to miss calculations, it has come to my attention that if i dont make a certain amount , i will really struggle to stay in the place im in. The thing that really pisses me off is that the condos are now worth a lot less because of the drop in the market. This means i coudl have moved here a lot later and got a double condo for about eth price i payed for this one br and then i coudl have rented out that room and made extra money, extra money i coudl have used to fund all the neccesities needed to start my freelancing on ebay. Not like i cant do that just working but there will be a lot more fees and lot more saving up needed to be done if i want to move to another city in a yr or so.

Anyway, i think im going to go rummage through all my crap i bought at thriftstores etc and decide what i want to paint. I miss doing all that, sitting still at a table for more than 15 min while moving around a lot can be so fucking painful it takes all the fun out of art., but im going to see what happens when i start taking meds or the shot. Maybe i need to invest in a really ergonomic chair. My attempt at one is horrible and sitting in my closet. I need to sell it.

I feel like my mind is slowly clearing itself of the negativity, i wish it would go faster but i do feel like things are progressing and im realizing more and more what i want.

I jut hope its not a temporary revelation. I have to make sure to remind myself that i realized these things. heh 

Oh, and for the pervert who asked me if i was into BDSM, uh NO, i just happened to like the movie "secretary" b/c it was quirky and funny and it had two of my favorite characters. I'm not here for anything but support and making new friends, not mindless flirtatious crap i can get on myspace.

PS i dont mean to sound bitchy and i do like a little innocent flirting but i think most of you know where the line is drawn. 🙂

BTW who sent me a crush? :/ ST was it you again ? lol


How do i get the background off my blog if i can at all ?? That's gotta be annoying to read. :/

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