My anxiety is through the roof–again. Grr. I'm blocking things out instead of dealing with them again. *sigh*
Well, okay, I have been dealing with some things. I got in a fight with one of my best friends the other day. We've worked it out, but I'm still recovering from the emotional trauma. (We both have OCD, so it was especially dramatic.)
Even little decisions are driving me crazy a lot. And in the back of my headis the drumming "Need to schedule doctor appointment again soon…" Of course, I can't schedule at that clinic 'til about two weeks before the appointment, so…. grr.
Now all these other things keep popping up. My parents aremoving to another apartment in Anchorage–it's a nicer place for them than the tinyplace they have right now. They asked if I could go down there for a week ortwo to help thempack and move. I'd love to spend time with them and help them out, but just the suggestion sent meinto a panic. I hate having to make decisions and I hate being away from home,and I hate being away from my pets….
To top all this off…it's been almost ayear now since my kittyJeneen died. I can feel it…just the weather being the same…it's making it all come back. I am so torn…. I want to move on. Iwill never forget her andI will always love her. But Idon't want to be wallowing in sorrow. That's not good for anyone. Yet at the same time, I'm afraid I might be blocking out part of thegrieving process, and if I don't go through it now, it will be worse later. I'm so confused…. Anyway, I really don'twant to be away from mynew kitty and myotherpets around this time–or away from my sister who was there for me all through everything last year. I kind of just want to hide awayhereat home for a bit. I'm not sure there's really anything wrong with that, either. Somehow I feel that it's a natural part of the grieving process. And yet…I feel guilty, of course. I feel like maybe I'm being selfish or I'm just being lazy or…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! I just want to be free!