someone please help me! I don\'t know where to go or who to turn to. I was family scapegoat. Mother violent. told me if I think 1 godd thing about me she kill me. If I smile she slapped me, if giggled she beat my head in. All I had was snap shots of my life B4 last relapse after being clean 4 almost 10 years. I know I had & have panic if someone so much as looks at me as if they will critize me. I know I watched my mother torture boy of 2 when I was in 5th grade. Panic attacks b4 then but much worse after. I was put in drawers. Made to work 2 earn keep. Go to school had ADHD but teachers in 60\'s said I wouldn\'t pay attention & talk to much to table mate. I was put in corners & pattled at school. After school had 2 go door 2 door sales with sister, card, candles Fuller brush, anything. Mom said I was born bad just like my father, never understand what I did. I treid to be good but never good enough to not get thrown down & kicked, put in drawers, electricuted at 2. Face burned she said I bite into cord. She was violent rager, sex addict, catholic. If I cry I was beat until learn to not cry. Never can ask 4 help or be beat if close thumb in car door, beat 4 being stupid. Told figure it out all the time. Noone allowed too help me. work, go to school, go towork, homework, sleep, pull out of bed by hair to service sailors, then beat again. told if it happened it was my fault 4 leading them on. Told get story straight b4 going out. She control everyone with rage & kicking, beating. Stepfather, older brother, stepbrother pedifiles. Mother let them do what want to nieces, me only stepfather & men she bring in & tell me not to be selfish by baby sister needs shoes. Sister never get into trouble. I was supposed to take care of her & if she do anything wrong I get it. Took care of mother after DNC,abortion, I think at 5. Hoped she go away so siblings be happy. She almost died I thought my fault. Nightmares of her mouth abusing me, more then beating it hurt! She took in children when I was in 5th grade. She found 1 she said like my oldest brother who she said was a sissy. She made him fold clothes, make bed 100\'s of times just like she did with me b4. She put him in drawers,in scolding hot water, told doctors he get in when phone rang but not true! She held him & he kicked & screamed to get free. She made him lay on bach 4 hours with feet in air, everytime his heels hit floor she beat him just like she did with me a club over us allthe time. If anyone help him she said she would kill them. I wait & grab him run as she beat me out of house to park. I hold & rock him. I\'m sorry Robbie she did it to me 1st. I cribbled with fear family say I\'m liar but NOT. I couldn\'t do anything right they say I\'m lazy, stupid, weak, & selfish. I am supersinitive, empathic, cary whole family, carry shame, guilt, fear. Panic atteacks, fear of asking 4 help. Not think go 4 help just push work harder, faster like she said when I didn\'t have coat in 6th grade. She said she owed me, my body, my thoughts & nothing supposed to hurt EVER. I learn not to cry. Not cry. Stepfather & her sex & I see in 2nd grade & b4. She violent rager! break glass try to cut his ear off. Police drag me back when I ran away. Said honor mother nice lady NOT. She killed Robbie & family will not tell. I snifed gas at 5, smoked by 2nd grade. I try to kill self as child. Family say I weak, lazy, stupid, liar born bad seed. I give everything to people, not feel soory 4 self, just crippling self doubt. I take responsbility 4 all problems in house. Have to family say I did it & get beat. I stand up 4 beating so sister not get it but have panic attack if I have to stand up 4 me. When got job in 97 boss said stop coming into office & telling all small little things U do & say wrong all day, 10th step in 12 step, I called it. Everyone say I do better job then i need to, make them look bad not know what they talk about. Not have breakdown since family tried to "help me" in 88 when my children were taken because I drug addict agroaphopia, workaholic, abusive husban. Not know I did small thing over, alway think he needs me he die without me he said but he beat, take all money, I move us 7 or 8 times say sorry everytime he get bad. I give him everything over & over. Think if I give more, do more be better he will love me & his children. He said my fault too all times keep me away from others siad I say wrong things. I never met his friends. If I smile at someone he yells at me that I know & fed that person. NOT 8 hours say not know person! I say nomore in 88. Every social agencey siad do what others agency say not do. Scared run away. Family say lazy stupid born bad. NOt empatic, give all to others, workaholic give all money to him, mother, then to bank 4 rainy day. raining day happen in 97 when put on Cymbalta. I think something wrong with me. Work, harder push more, get loaded, now noone believe I in garage sister say nothing wrong with U, I needed help but noone believes I so scared to ask 4 help. I loss everything trying to push past symtom of meds. Get on methadone Mistake! tell truth but now can\'t see, not remember, confusion. people say hyocondrac! Panic panic panic. Help! 971-340-0825 overnight rigorous honest to noone believe me because I lost counseling job, apt management job, scholarship. now call me homeless, junkie,whore, criminal who should know what time it is & stop feeling sorry 4 self. Not sorry, sorrow, grief, shame, loss, remorse. think my fault 4 everything