So there’s this person I’m in love with. I’m not supposed to be but I am. Well … actually the problem is I don’t know if I still love them or not. I’m afraid I’m doing that thing where I sense rejection so I pull out before it even happens as a defense mechanism. That kind of rings a bell.

I don’t think love is the right word anymore. I think I used to be in love with them. Why? I couldn’t begin to understand. There are a lot of reasons not to love them. Maybe because there was no one else to love at the time and then I just got used to it.

Anyway. Now we’re just friends. But lately we’re not even that. It’s really scaring me because I don’t know what I’ll do if they leave. Something that hurts more than the thought of them leaving is the thought of them losing feelings for me. There’s this underlying panic in my chest that I won’t matter enough for them to stay. For their feelings to continue.

I wanted to end this relationship a while back because it was starting to get really harmful to my mental health. Now it is ending and I feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t believe they’re checking out twice.

If only I could get them to stay and love me.

Am I pathetic? Sometime I think I’ve got daddy issues. He left too. And I imagine that maybe I’m still sore about that although I don’t like to admit it. It kind of hurts like hell.

Maybe I’ve just got this feeling inside all the time, this feeling like I’m not worth it. Like if I was actually worth anything then maybe people would stick around. But if people are always leaving then there’s got to be something that I’m missing. I’ve got to be missing something.

But maybe that’s not true, it could be what my brain tells me. Those things aren’t always connected. But I don’t want to lose another friend. I’ve never fallen in love with a friend before, but I’ve been abandoned by many. They just sort of fade away, find better things to do. People they enjoy more.

Whenever I meet someone I like they become everything to me. They take over my mind. I want to know absolutely everything about them. Learn all the things they like and dislike. Construct them from scratch in my mind. That always leaves me with a very real person in my mind when they leave.

I don’t think anyone has ever missed me.

I wish my dad missed me but he never did. I’m a grown woman now and he’s never bothered trying to get to know me. I think if he was gonna care he would’ve cared by now.

That’s my biggest dream. In my life that’s all I want to accomplish. I want to meet someone, a friend or a significant other. I want to meet them and I want them to care for me.  I want them to miss me. I want them to learn all the things I like and all the things I dislike. I want to know that I matter and that someone thinks about me even when I’m not around. That I exist even when I am alone.

And with all my heart I hoped that they were that friend. That person. And I think I keep trying to make them that person because I don’t want them to leave. I’m so scared they’re going to leave.

I wanted to forget them, to heal from them. Instead they’ve just gotten over me. First romantically and now platonically. I don’t understand how I’m so easy to forget. I can’t be this insignificant can I?

I want to matter to someone.

  1. thebluejay 4 months ago

    Hey idk if I’ll be much help but it sounds like ur having a rough time, mind if I try and talk with u?

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    • Author
      orangetree 3 months ago

      Yes honestly I would love that. Sorry it took me so long to see this, I didn’t think anyone would really bother to read these entries.

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  2. saanvi 4 months ago

    all I can tell you from what I have seen is that …sometimes when u r in a relationship that may not be entirely toxic but is still draining you it’s always wise to get out of it…it’s going to be harder than it sounds but I can assure you that it’ll help u get some clarity…u might miss them for a while and that’s completely fine but eventually u will better…and remember that even if u have no one u will always have yourself…let them go and if it is meant to be they will come back to u !

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    • Author
      orangetree 3 months ago

      Thank you so much. You’re right it is harder than it sounds. I’m in the process of letting them go. I hope it gets better <3

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