Paranoia fills me. Every time i think i'm letting it go and not worrying about something i can't control and something that isn't as big of a deal as i'm making it out to be I feel the panic return. Like a wave crashing on the sand. I feel it retreat but only briefly. It's back. I can't fucking control this shit. I dont want to let it get the best of me and I'm worried if it gets out, if i let out all this that's pent up and my worry and paranoia spills out that i'll end up hurting the one person I truely love and care about. And I dont want to loose that. I hate my mind and i hate the games it plays. I hate the feeling of worried warmth wash over me and try to drown me. I am falling down and i can't stand up on my own. I've got no one to pull me up with out pulling them down in with me. I feel like i've already lost. I can feel the panic in my chest, i want it to go a way. I can feel the tears starting to rise and I am trying to swallow this lump in my throat. It wont leave until I give in and let it out. I hate you! Fuck it all. It's only after the one thing i prize most because it wont let me just be happy. I hate all of this and I want it to go away. I dont know how to tho. I dont know how to push it out without giving in and letting it control the situation. It like getting throw from the driver seat and someone else takes the wheel and u are along for the ride. I can't control what happens, whats said, what is felt. I'm helpless to my own worst enemy. My panic, my worry, my fears, myself.