Anxiety is lilke a migraine headache, but there's no physical pain. So HOW can it be that bad, right? Wrong! It's horrific. Anxiety that gets to a point that you simply can not even walk from one room in your house to another. Anxiety so bad that you lay in bed trying to shut off your thoughts… your brain is your worst enemy. It won't stop. Ever.
That's what I'm experiencing and that's why I'm here on Anxiety Tribe. I am also depressed and I blog about that too, but this is about my anxiety. My last blog spoke of the things that trigger my anxiety. My ex, social situations, chemical issues after drinking.
I'm here today because I'm experiencing a lot of anxiety after a very stressful Holiday Season and a very lonely New Year. Yesterday I stayed in bed all day. I was anxious from having been drunk the night before and sad and lonely from having no one to spend the New Year with.
This morning I woke up from a dream and immediately had an anxiety attack. Then I fell back to sleep, had another dream and as it was ending and I was waking up, had another anxiety attack.
What happens to me is this: I will be dreaming and no matter what is happening in the dream, I am just dealing with it. Most of my dreams aren't bad, sometimes there are conflicts and I'm trying to go somewhere, usually trying to get someplace, but they aren't nightmares. They are usually very detailed and quite involved. They have a lot going on. They are "busy" dreams. It's asthough I've been transported to a different life. A life I can handle. It's very strange. I'm not anxious in my dreams at all, it's like I don't have anxiety OR depression as my dream-self. It's extremely liberating.
Then. I start to wake up. I slowly become aware that I am in my bed and that I am waking up from a dream. I start to think of my REAL life and all the pain I'm in and BAM! It's like a hammer hits me upside the head. I have an anxiety attack. I start squirming and trying to breathe and my heart pounds. A flood of worries fill my head. I even try to get back to sleep, to that dream world, anything to get away…
So I guess in my sub-consious state I'm not stressed out. Something likewhen I amdrunk I guess, only it's safe in a dream because I'm not doing orsaying anythingbad that will affect me later.Whatever part of my brain that's a mess with anxiety is sleeping. I wish I could turn that down without drugs or alcohol. I wish I could be calm in REAL life like I am in my dreams. That would be a miracle, but it's also not gonna happen. I can't switch off my feelings like I can in my dreams.
My biggest theory as to why I feel stress and anxiety free in my dreams (even the BAD dreams are far, far less stress infused than my real life) is that because somehow, I know it's just a dream. Somehow I know it's not really happening. That would explain why I don't feel overwhelmed and anxious when I'm dreaming.
Today I'm trying to write. I've already written 3 blogs. Then I'm going to write some fan fiction. I'm going to write until I am exhausted. I can only escape through writing. I have been hurt and heartbroken and I'm getting sick of it. I wish my feelings for that someone I lost long ago would finally leave. That way I'd really be free. I am not saying my life would be perfect, but the anxiety would be greatly lessened. If only only only I could get over HIM.
I know I'd still be dealing with being alone and being with my parents. I knowI'd still have my phobias such as riding in thecar and socializingI knowthose partsof it would not have ceaced. Dealing withthose issuesis very very stressful. And being alone is a nightmare in itself. But being over that person, not wondering or worrying if he's gonna text me or if he even thinks of me… I can't imagine that because I'm so imprisoned by it. I can't imagine being FREE of my feelings for him. I WANT to imagine, I want it to happen, I want to be free. He is a good 75% of my anxiety. I'm working on it. I'm trying not to let it bother me that he has disappeared again, and probably for a long, long time if not for good. I am trying really hard to let it go.
So, as always I am wishing it were later, closer to bed time. Even if I have trouble sleeping, I love bed time because I know I will dream and the dreams are my ultimate escape from this world.