I often wonder why paranoia gets the better of me, I consider this a safe place for my thoughts, a place where I won't be judged and I can get all those crazy thoughts out of my mind. I think getting the thoughts out, help me not to self destruct so bad.

I am so paranoid about my husband and yet he has never done anything to make me paranoid. It was the other way around. Which is probably why I'm so paranoid.

I am so unfair to him, he is way too good for me. i form negative opinions and thoughts about what he is doing…for instance today, he wasn't home when I thought he would be, he quickly texted me saying he was working unexpected ot, I didn't believe him.

I immediately texted him to call me from his work…I am just so suspicious all the time, I believe it's because I did so much harm and got away with it, so everything seems suspicious to me. When he didn't call, I called his work. Of course he was there. I know deep down he wouldn't betray me, or hurt me, but I keep wondering. for Two years now, we've been back together, after I hurt him so bad, he wanted nothing but our family to be together, but i am still waiting for "his revenge". This thinking is so unhealthy and I know that, but it is consuming me.

If the positions were reversed, i would sure as I am alive, want revenge…how can he not? I just keep expecting the worse, and nothing….everytime.

My husband is a good man, loves me more than life, loves our family, treats me very good, but yet, I am waiting for the revenge…I don't deserve him. I have never deserved him….

so pissed at myself right now…thank god I can get this out of my head and not let it consume me today…