I often wonder why paranoia gets the better of me, I consider this a safe place for my thoughts, a place where I won't be judged and I can get all those crazy thoughts out of my mind. I think getting the thoughts out, help me not to self destruct so bad.

I am so paranoid about my husband and yet he has never done anything to make me paranoid. It was the other way around. Which is probably why I'm so paranoid.

I am so unfair to him, he is way too good for me. i form negative opinions and thoughts about what he is doing…for instance today, he wasn't home when I thought he would be, he quickly texted me saying he was working unexpected ot, I didn't believe him.

I immediately texted him to call me from his work…I am just so suspicious all the time, I believe it's because I did so much harm and got away with it, so everything seems suspicious to me. When he didn't call, I called his work. Of course he was there. I know deep down he wouldn't betray me, or hurt me, but I keep wondering. for Two years now, we've been back together, after I hurt him so bad, he wanted nothing but our family to be together, but i am still waiting for "his revenge". This thinking is so unhealthy and I know that, but it is consuming me.

If the positions were reversed, i would sure as I am alive, want revenge…how can he not? I just keep expecting the worse, and nothing….everytime.

My husband is a good man, loves me more than life, loves our family, treats me very good, but yet, I am waiting for the revenge…I don't deserve him. I have never deserved him….

so pissed at myself right now…thank god I can get this out of my head and not let it consume me today…

1 Comment
  1. elainec 14 years ago

    Doesnt sound like you have forgiven yourself regarding what you did.  If he has, you should too or you will ruin the best thing of your life.  Why can you not let it go?  Are you afraid of repeating  your actions?

     

    This is a great place to let out those thoughts that continually nag at us.  I am glad it is available.

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