I am so frustrated with myself and my son. I do not understand his behavior. I also don't understand why he makes me so upset. Today I got home from my midwife appointment exhausted and hot. I couldn't help but lie down to regain some of the energy I lost today and yesterday. The younger boys were on the computer when I got home so I explained to them I was going to lie down and to wake me in an hour. I mentioned what they could have for lunch to the 11 yo. A while later my 18 yo got up and he told me he was going to take a shower. When he got out he wanted to use the same computer they were. I told him to use the other one but he didn't want to because it is my brother's and it is password protected (even though I have the password). So he got angry and began cussing. He said he was leaving. He didn't leave though and a little while later they started playing video games together.

My eight yo came in and asked me if he could ask his oldest brother to make macoroni and cheese. I said yes. He came and told me he said no. I told him if he would give e a few more minutes to wake up that I would make it for him. However my oldest decided to go in and make it for him. My youngest came to ask me if it was okay to put the noodles in the water before it starts to boil. I said no and I got up. My youngest went to tell him that it wasn't ok and my oldest began to argue with him over it. I got up and I told him that it didn't work that way that you had to boil the water first. He responded with a barage of foul language and insults. I got angry because I really do not handle being cussed at and insulted especially when I am pregnant. He kept telling me I was disprespecting him and that I was insulting him. My argument was that the fact that he would take it personally (my telling him that you can't make macoroni and cheese that way) was uncalled for and to turn around and begin to insult me and his father and everyone else by saying that we are all stupid and worthless and out to get him was over the top and furthermore to verbally abuse everyone around him me, the baby, his younger brothers, even the animals who have to witness it is unfair. After a heated exhchange I began to do the dishes and make more mac and cheese. He came back to argue some mrore and I did my best to ignore it. Finally he went outside to smoke a cigarette and then came back in to tell me something but stopped after saying "you know I didn't want that to go down like that but" and then he trailed off and went back into the living room to continue what they were doing before: playing video games.

What really upsets me is that besides the way he was taking to me it was what he was saying. He brings up the arguments he has had with us over the last week about drug use and language use and says that we are full of shit. Which means to me that he is going to continue to do what he wants because in his mind he is right and justified and we are stupid losers trying to hurt him. If he helps me out with anything he brings that up and says that he is a slave. This makes me feel like that I should never ask him for help because of how much it hurst when he brings it up. He will however go out into the world and put himself in dangerous situations and expose himself to violence and hiv from complete strangers.

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