It’s been 5 years since the last blog and damn, the website has upgraded. I am seeing and typing this on my phone.

What brought me here today is a dream I had last night. I dreamt my brother commited suicide. I woke up crying next to my boyfriend of 3 years and told him my dream. Since then the rest of my day had me feeling blue.

I had to take 2 buses to go back home to my family and I’ve had to fight back my emotions because the sadness overwhelmed me and being on public transport didn’t help.

I also had thoughts of dying, killing myself because of the emotional pain and everything I believed in.

I had been messaging my boyfriend about the idea of family. How I strongly do not want to create a family because of my own fucked up family. And how I can never be a decent mother. And how terrified I am to create a family when I am this way – fucked.

I’ve been thinking about getting my tubes tied (I am currently 24) so I can feel… lighter. This idea popped up several times before. And I firmly believe I have made that decision to go for sterilization and honestly believe that pregnancy is definitely not in my future.

But then my logical side of me is saying, “What if in a few years I want a family?”, “What if…”

I really don’t know anymore. I need to sleep now. I have to wake up for work in 2 hours. I hope this won’t become a daily problem. I don’t want to develop insomnia. Not now.

My boyfriend and I are planning to move in together and turn a new leaf. I think this will help me immensely to sort out my mental and physical health. I am anticipating the start of a new chapter soon.