I’ve never thought that I was a bad person….till right before thanksgiving when all my friends got together and told me all the things I’d done that were bad/ annoying to them/rude in the past year and a half that I’d known them. Some people said they didn’t know if they could be friends with me again…

This entire thing was totally out of left field for me..Since September I’d been dealing with depression..I thought nobody noticed until I’d confided in someone two weeks prior to the group confrontation..I didnt even think that that person would tell others and even worse, that the others would be angry with me for not divulging my condition.

My roommate, previously my best friend turned to me…and she looked so angry, so hateful…she told me that she didn’t know if we could be friends anymore…oncemore she stated that if a friendship was going to be recovered it would have to be because of all my effort because "she wasn’t going to put any effort into me or try".

I cried tears of repentance and apologized for any and every discretion…I promised to change, in a way begged for another chance..The next day I left for thanksgiving break and later returned for more hurt.

The day after returning I came back early from class and overheard my roommate and a close friend…they had written down things I’d done the night before when everyone had gotten back from break…and they were ripping me apart..I sat across the hall and cried listening to them taking pleasure in trashing me…the people I’d let tear me down right before break..eventually after basically losing it in the hallway I stood up and knocked on their door. "I heard everything", I told them "is there something you still haven’t gotten to say to me? what have I done that deserved this?". They looked at me with faces of indifference and anger. Noone apologized. Instead I stood there as they told me that I had not changed(they could tell in the 6 hours it had been since I’d gotten back to campus). One friend apologized two days later the other said she had apologized when she had yelled, "what do youuuu want me to say?! i was in the wrong!"

Friends have always been so important to me…whether it’s healthy or not they’ve made up who I am as a person. If someone asked me what’s the worst thing that could happen to you apart from a family member dying…I would have described what had happened this past semester…it was my worst nightmare…and I lived it and am still living it with their ongoing actions…some people apologized, some continued on to do worse things, some feel they have no responsibility for what’s happened…

….but even if I can’t say it to their faces for fear of hurting them or seeming spiteful, I’ll say it here…I wouldn’t have left college, or wanted to kill myself if not for their actions…they are the ones that have driven me to this point…although, do I share the blame for making them so important?

 

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