Have had an upsurge of energy today. My mood doesn't feel any better- I'm still anxious, worried, depressed and not sleeping great- but wrote up a long "To Do" list this morning and have done every item on it. Had it completed by lunch time. Am a bit worried that this might be a sign of bipolar. I don't notice that I have all the symptoms ("grandiose ideas", "spending sprees" etc) but I have noticed that I do tend to go thru periods of deep depression where I want to stay in bed all the time, and then high energy periods where the anxiety seems to get worse. I think I'd better talk to my GP tonight or my psychologist next week about the possibility.


Have to see the GP tonight about the gynaecological side of my probs. She's doing a pap and internal. If the results come back normal then it looks like it's the implanon causing all of the probs. If the results come back abnormal, then we know we're dealing with something else. It's making me really nervous and anxious. I know she's gonna ask how I'm going emotionally/mentally since last week and I can't honestly say its much better. Ok, I haven't had suicidal thoughts every single day which is an improvement, but if anything the sleeping situation and appetite is worse, and my anxiety levels feel thru the roof compared to last week.


I must remember to ask the dr to do up an asthma action plan for my eldest son so I can put it in with his school applications (yet another thing that is stressing me out). Trying to get him into a GOOD school and quick, is really making me anxious. Half of the schools are already full up for next year and the remaining half are either ridiculously expensive or require so much in order to enrol I'm surprised they haven't asked for a fricken DNA test.


Another problem today is that the mother in law has decided she would rather us all travel out there for our youngest son's birthday instead of her coming here (surprise surprise) and she wants me to stay out there with the kids for at least a week. Um, how do I put this nicely?? NO FUCKING WAY!!

The thought of being stuck in the middle of nowhere with the 3 kids (all of whom will not sleep properly because it's not home, and who will be bored out of their brains because it's too cold to even go outside) no sleep and no Paul, sent me into a panic attack. I started shaking, breathing heavily and couldn't control my thoughts. Everytime I've ever gone out there she's promised to help out with the kids and then I get there and she's got a headache so she goes to bed all day, or she goes out 3 days a week or she's at the drs or has friends over.

Not to mention that I would miss my dr and psychologist appointments (and I've only just started them) as well as the kids' specialist appointments too. But she just doesn't know how to take no for an answer!! I tried explaining all the appts and she told me to- wait for it- SKIP THEM!! Um, this coming from a woman who not only has bipolar and depression, but has just come out of a mental health clinic for it!! She of all people should know how important those therapy sessions are!! Um, does she want the mother of her grandchildren to be alive?? Because the whole reason I'm up to my eyeballs in appointments is because I've been suicidal!!

I'm not missing my appointments, or the kids' appointments, or paying full price kindy fees when the kids aren't eventhere, just to go out into the middle of nowhere for a week to do what?? Stare at the TV while she sleeps off another lot of migraines and morphine?? No thank you. Thank God, my husband said he would back me up so hopefully she'll take the hint.


Mood Today: Anxious, stressed, high energy, restless

Gynae/Physical Health: spotting

Sleep last night: ages to fall asleep, but stayed asleep. Had probs with waking and getting back to sleep this morning though.

Appetite: ate a bowl of crisps, had 2 coffees

Things that upset me today: my mother in law, my phone reception, school applications

Things that I'm grateful for today: my husband, my kids, my mother, this journal, thick socks, fluffy dressing gowns


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