I\'m breaking this into parts because I have a lot to get out, and although I don\'t expect anyone to really read it, if they decide to it might be a little easier…
EARNING MOMMY\'S LOVE.
I guess I feel better writing things out when I\'m not happy, it\'s better than other things I\'d like to be doing. I\'ve been having a really hard time getting a job lately, and I apply to multiple places and e-mail my resume constantly everyday. I hate to be dependent on anybody and I really would take any job at this point. I\'ve been trying since January! Anyway, that\'s stressful for anybody and I know a lot of people are going through it, but I feel like it\'s the only way I can gain my mother\'s love. It\'s something I have to earn, and it\'s not easy. Today at dinner she was calling me a bum, lazy, all kinds of insulting things. It really hurts because I already tell myself these things and it\'s not something anybody needs to hear from their mother. I asked her for help today because I was washing the dishes, and she laughed at me and didn\'t even bother. My mom does a lot and works hard, I\'m not saying she\'s lazy, but it isn\'t fair to be treated that way.
FEAR OF MEN
I\'ve been working really hard on not cutting lately. And I guess since no one on here really knows me I can just throw everything out there. Recently I caught my dad with pictures of other women, lots of them, and they weren\'t models or anything. He used to have a serious porn addiction and the entire family was supportive of him when we found it. When I asked him if he was cheating on my mother he got really mad and turned it all around me. Apparently real women are more appealing to look at than fake models and they\'re not pornographic, so it\'s "okay". I understand he\'s improved and of course I ended up feeling terrible about the whole thing. He used to be addicted to vicodin and oxycontin and that stuff, he was prescribed it but later faked scripts to get more than he needed. He still takes them but my mother keeps count and he\'s under the close watch of his doctors. He used to be an alcoholic and there was some abuse towards me at that time. I guess it\'s just really hard for me to trust him and I\'m really afraid of men completely. It\'s not just him though, I\'ve had abusive boyfriends, I\'ve been raped, and I was molested by my uncle. My aunt, who\'s actually the one who is blood related to me, never denied he\'d done such a thing, and she has 3 young children. He was caught with child porn before the wedding but she\'s still with him for his money. I\'m afraid that my dad may have done some subtle things that were unacceptable as well, but since he\'s my father and I have such a strong loyalty towards my family, I have protected him even in my brain and made him look so innocent that to this day I couldn\'t tell you anything that really happened. I\'ve tried so hard to mask it all and became successful.
I used to suffer from anorexia/bulimia, but I improved greatly. I was really in my own fucked up world and I don\'t know how I ever broke free. My thoughts were completely twisted, I had an endless amount of rules and boundaries for myself, and it\'d been that way since I was 12 years old. I recently gained a significant amount of weight compared to what I\'ve ever been before. I\'m completely and utterly disgusted with myself. I\'ve been trying to lose weight a healthy way but it\'s so hard, the voices are back. I know, I know, oh God she\'s talking about voices. It\'s not really voices, it\'s like me, but a mean eating disorder me, I learned to call it "Ed" (e.d. , get it?) I\'ve always been getting a strong urge to cut and even suicidal thoughts.
Anyway, I\'m just going to submit this now. Please know that I am a very bright, outgoing, nice, fun person. I have a big personality, I\'m always talking and laughing, I have plenty of friends and a generally good life. I am a musician, an artist, and an activist.
I decided to erase the last paragraph I wrote because it sounds insane and I should probably just post it on some paranormal site if I really feel that I need to get it out.