This is going to be long, and no one will probably read it all, because no one cares, but I can't make an app. with my theripiest and I need to vent so fucking bad.

I guess I should just start with this. I really like someone. My sisters friend introduced us, and we hit it off so much! He was so perf for me, and I really liked him, I thought he liked me too. At least, he sure acted like it. Yesterday, he randomly texted me saying he just wants to be friends, that it doesn't feel right. It killed me. I cried all night, and stayed up untill 2:20 AM. I'm not angry with him, he can't help it if he doesn't feel the same way I do. I just can't believe I let myself get so hurt, I let my walls down, I was so stupid to acctually think someone would like me. Why would they? When there are so many people out there who are thinner, preitter, smarter, funnier. I'm nothing, I'm not worth it.

Once again, I'm alone. I'm just so sick of everything, and I'm so depressed. The only reason I haven't cut is because I can't find my razor. My family just is making everything worse. they acted like I shouldn't have been upset at all, like I was just whining. Not that any of them acctually talked to me about it. My mom just changed the subject, and my sister yelled at me as if she doesn't talk about relationshipsin every fucking conversation. I'm just never doing good enough for my family, ever. I get all A's and B's but one C? "This is terrible you need to bring this up right now, young lady." If I don't have my room spotless I'm a rotten child and lazy. I can't even talk to them about depression or cutting. Becuase they auto-maticly assume I'm suicidal, or fucking insane. I'm not suicidal (Surprisingly) I'm just extremely fucking depressed.

Recently, I came out as Pansexual to my parents and sister. I hid it from my dad for a while, because I didn't think it matterd. My grandmother is homophobic, she literally forced me to read the part of the bible that says it's an abomination to be gay. Because, a few years ago I came out as lesbian, I was mistaken, and it happens when you're only 13. She always says "I don't have an issue with gay people, I just don't think they should be married." So therefore, you have a problem with gay people? She refuses to even acknowledge anything other than gay or straight. She's compared Pansexuallity to Beastiallity a few times. Which is fucked up. Anyway, I constantly feel like I'm lying to her, because, really she's a good grandmother, she's just judgemental. and hard- headed. But, I now she'd fucking flip if I told her, and really? It's no one else's buisness. I mean fucking really. I can love or fuck anyone I want and it still isn't anyone's buisness. As long as I'm happy. Right?

Now, my mother. My fucking mother. Goddamn she just ugh. I really don't hate her, I love who she used to be, or who I forced myself to see her as. I just fucking hate everything she does. I cannot convince myself for shit, that she acctually loves us. I think she's used us from the start. For whatever, to keep my dad with her, for sympathy, for plaything, for love. I think she looks at us, and hates everything we are, and can't wait for us to leave so then she can really take all my dads money. she doesn't do anything, fucking anything. she won't clean for weeks and then complain that she always has to do it and we never do anything. As if we don't go to school or contemplate suicide at 3 in the morning on a school night. I know I should do chores, I don't have an issue with that. But she's a stay-at-home-mom who doesn't lift a fucking finger. The couch legit has an ass grove from her sitting in it all day. The most she does is cook, and sometimes I'm afriad to eat her food cause she never washes her fucking hands. Or washes anything for that matter, she never showers. Once a month, maybe. She'll wear the same outfit weeks in a row. She stinks and I don't think she cares. I love my dad, but he's so…I don't even know. He's fucking lying to himself is he thinks she loves him. She doesn't love anything but TV, Food, Money, and Sympathy. I just can't with her anymore, I can't wait 'till I'm out of the house. And ya know, I used to be worried about my sister when I leave, but, right now, I don't know that I am. She's always mean to me, seriously. She keeps saying she's comming, but if she thinks I'm going to let her mooch off of me for two years she's fucking mistaken, I'm not my father.

Anywho, if you acctally took the time just to read this, thank you. So much.

If you took the time to read and type out a comment, thanks so flippin' much. You're helping, even if it's short 🙂

~Lillian

1 Comment
  1. Boobenfoofer 7 years ago

    Hey Lillian. I read every single word. And I'm sorry that you have to live the way you do & take everyone's crap… I think I feel more or less in the same boat in some ways. I don't think that anyone really cares either… I just foolishly keep hoping. Sorry to hear about you being hurt by some guy aswell. You know, no guy is worth your tears. And the one that is, won't make you cry. And don't let people phase you with their judgemental, personal beliefs that have nothing to do with them… Easier said than done, I know… But – If you're pansexual & you're happy with that. Then BE pansexual. Be yourself. I don't know why humans (sorry, I usually refer to people in general as another species, cause I can't for a fuck understand why & how they do the things they do…) always have to bring their own issues with whatever down on others. Like it's gonna change anything for them… Anyways. Don't hurt yourself either dear. I've cut myself before (not badly though) & I know it's strangely satisfying in ways, but don't harm yourself because of others… People aren't worth your pain. I've had plenty suicidal tendencies. Tried many times too & just can't seem to bring myself to do it. I'm over that, but if I were to ever be granted a wish… I'd wish to disappear/vanish without a trace – without hesitation whatsoever. I hate life… But I exist anyway. Don't know if that makes much sense, but yeah. You know, just commenting on your blog has calmed me down quite a bit from the state I was in. So thanx. And if you ever wanna chat about anything, just drop me a msg. I don't have permanent internet access, but I try come online as often as possible. I hope you feel better soon & that things get better for you. Peace.

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