I knew that coming back to college after medical leave would be hard, but I'm in hell. The first guy I ever dated didn't even consider me important enough to dump me; he just started ignoring me and posted on facebook that he's back with his ex. He'd rather date a skank who's cheated on him constantly than me, despite the fact that he's spent the last three years claiming that he has a crush on me, and was sorry that he had a girlfriend before he knew me. So now I'm living with two attached at the hip couples and a girl who's getting engaged on valentines day and trying to act all happy for them. I can't go out with my other friends because HE's always there.

I'm exhausted, I can't sleep because I'm having nightmares again, and I can barely make it through calsses without valium, which makes me a braindead zombie because I'm already tired. I have crazy mood swings by the minute, and I can't trust myself. I can act normal, but it's just that; an act. And I don't want to do it. It takes so much work just to have a conversation with my best friend, and some days I just don't see the reason to do it. My therapist keeps telling me that I have to work on social interaction and talk to people and stuff like that, but honestly, living alone with 40 cats is a hell of a lot more appealing. And on top of that, I have to listen to my housemate applying for the Teach for America program that I would be doing if I weren't graduating late and if I had the slightest shred of sanity and self-reliance back. I have people that I can talk to about the anxiety attacks and the depression, but people in the real world aren't like the imaginary ones in therapy. They can only take so much me being the needy one, they can only reassure me so often. They expect me to at some point get marginally better, and I'm not. I'm on here because it's two AM, I'm crying my eyes out, and I have to tell someone the truth.