I've never done ANYTHING like this before, but this is part of my commitment to myself to find some value in my 57 yr. depression. I know that my style of putting things into words seems to say exactly express what other people couldn't figure out how to say. The following are some musings I had the other day about depression. Maybe these words will put some of your thoughts into words you couldn't find. I hope so, and if not, here are some thoughts I have that I wanted to share.
What is it to be depressed? De means not or un…. So, not pressed. Well that's not a bad thing. Or is it, not ironed, that's not so good. Or is it like not pressed for time, money, decisions, or actions? Well that sounds pretty good to me too. And yet, there are all sorts of drugs that are anti-depressants. Is that the American way of keeping us frantically moving, thinking, acting, all primarily without any sincere thought or feeling??? That could fit into my way of thinking, that's for sure.
And on the other side of the coin, is it o.k. to spend your days wanting to take your life? Or threatening yourself and others that you will, every time you don't get your way. I'd say that in many ways, albeit an immature one, it could be seen as a normal and natural response to the unreasonable expectation our culture demands of each of us. Man means this, woman means this, child means this, white, black, brown, other brown, other brown, other brown, darker black, lighter black, really white, kind of white, red meat, white meat, it all tastes like chicken, olive skinned, pimples, clear, thin, fat, round, tall, short, and on and on, forever. All the ways and names we can use to make us more separate from the person next to us, or the person we see ourselves to be inside.
Ah, yes, inside. Now there's a vast pit of choices. Is it the person we see ourselves to be in comparison to some ideal outside? Or the person we think we 'should' be? Or the person we wish we were? Or the person we would be if only……? Or the victim? Or the perpetrator? Or the witness? Or the child? The younger, the older, the middle, the boy, the girl, the girl that wants to be a boy, or the boy that wants to be a girl? And yet, this all comes up against that primal need to survive, that somehow keeps us biting and scratching our way through each day.
What is it to be 'anti-depressed? Well, for me, it feels pretty much like it sounds. There's a double negative, before the vague definition of what you're supposed to be. Actually, I'd say that pretty much nails it on the head. And that, folks, is where I live. I am anti-depressed.
Since I am human, and since I am American, there must be many things I can do to 'fix' what and who I am. To be not-not pressed, to be not-not ironed, to be not-not under someone's thumb, holding me down, to be not-not pushed into or rushed is a truly bazaar way to live. And since I'm not-not, that must mean I am, which definitely means I need to be not the way I am, which means I need to be fixed. Now, who's talking; me, or you, or society, or the dr., or the drugs. Well, I've tried very diligently to fix myself, I've tried to find someone else to fix me, or find a dr. to fix me, and now I just rely on the drugs to keep me afloat. To keep me walking through each day, not too sad or mad, not too happy or excited, not too lazy, not too driven, not too anything. And, wow, they work. That is exactly what each day is for me. Not too much.
And I want my life to be different everyday. So, I live for those reprieves. My favorite is 'falling in love' where the chemicals in my system are stimulated in such a way that I don't have the internal conflict on my value, because I feel my value in every cell of my body. I don't have the external confusion, because I have someone right there reflecting back to me their appreciation, excitement, increased sense of self-value, and all the wonderful things we want to feel. The colors are brighter, the air feels softer, my level of belief in the wonder of the future is off the charts, hmmmmmm, sounds like acid to me. Yet, another drug one used in the 70's to simulate how we'd like life to be.
Right now I live in a haven of people who are finding their solutions in various drugs, legal and illegal. And I must say, I can't really count myself as separate or different than they are, I just get my drugs legally from a conglomerate of doctors. They go off to smoke their crack, I take my prozac, they smoke pot and I take Norco. Who's the addict? Who's not?
Well, obviously we all are. I actually have 31 yrs. of sobriety from alcohol or illegal drugs, which I don't believe is reliquished by the drugs I do take; others may disagree. (If you do, please keep your opinion to yourself!)
So, this is enough for an elongated first blog. I hope you enjoy it, and/or find some value.,