What a weird night last night. My girlfriend asked me a very difficult question to answer. She asked how sure I was that we were going to get married. She wanted a percentage answer. I said 95%, but she wanted to hear 100%. I wish I could have said 100% percent, but how can I? That 5% of me that wasn't sure accounts for the 50% of my day that I spend thinking about her having sex with that other guy. That's what that 5% means, and it should probably be more.
I've noticed my sensitivity to what I associated with my obssesion getting worse. The problem is that so much of our world and the marketing campaigns that fill what our eyes see everyday are centered around sex. It's hard to get around sex in our culture, it's everywhere. And unfortunately for me, sex is the number one association that brings up my OCD.
women's underwear, men's underwear, sex scenes in movies, sexual sounds, unzipped jeans, people kissing, people flirting, condoms, people talking about their sexual experiences, the tiger woods scandal, guys picking up on girls at bars, girls dressed up to go out, people dancing, cologne commercials…
All of these are things that I associate with my OCD, and they all drive me mad. Sometimes to the point of panic attacks. Do you know what it is like to see two people kissing in a bar, and feeling an intense urge to punch the guy in the face as hard as you could? Every weekend when I go out, I am presented with situations which drive me crazy now. Things did not use to be that way, and I miss that.
I always felt like my pure O regarding this obsession was leading to something big happening- some dramatic event where 3 years of an everyday, every moment obsession would come to a climax. I feel it might be getting closer, this epic event. I know I can't live like this forever. My 5% doubt about getting married proves it. So what is it though? What is going to happen? Will there be an encounter? Will it be violent? Who will it involve? What pieces of life will be broken after? Which can be fixed?
This all started when I learned about the other guy that my girlfriend had sex with. It happened before we were officially dating, but during a time when we were talking and still being intimate with each other. There was a one month period when we stopped talking, and it was during that time it happened. I will never forget the day she told me, so many things are clear about that day. I remember telling my best friend that it would be a "big deal" to me. He couldn't understand. Well, 3 years later it still is. 3 years later he still doesn't understand.