Its cold, it’s dark and I’m alone. I’m afraid, because I’m alone. When I’m alone my mind runs free, there is no focus, and the images begin and replay over and over. The sick feeling creeps into my stomach as always. Day and night fade into one another, and time is merely torture. To sleep is no promise of silence, because even in my dreams I’m haunted by death. The violent, gruesome images replay in my mind like a premonition that hasn’t yet surfaced. It doesn’t make sense, but it feels so real. Life is a trap waiting to suck the life out of anyone who isn’t careful. I must be careful. I must protect them. I can’t lose him, I can’t lose them, I just can’t, I’ll die. My mind can’t lie to me. What if… what if it is real. What if I can prevent such a horrific ending. If I don’t it will be my burden to bare for not taking my mind seriously. My mind…so vivid and precise, so accurate at detecting danger that everyone else seems to miss. It convinces me they are fools, and stupid for not seeing the impending danger and death that awaits us all, How can they be so blind. It convinces me that I must remain in control or all will be lost. I will remain in control, it has to be my way because no one else seems to know or to care,  your mind can not grasp the horrible things I see. You really will never understand what its like to be tormented and torn and controlled by fear that no one else is afraid of. Instead you’ll look at me like I’m crazy, and tell me to knock it off. And I’ll smile and laugh, and inside I’ll cry because I know I’ll still be plagued by images that would make your stomach turn. This is my secret, this is my life, this has always been my battle. And I know I shouldn’t even bother because nothing I say could come close to making you understand. So I’ll fight my battle.
Alone.
1 Comment
  1. quiet1 4 years ago

    I realize that this reply is 8 years late. I just wanted you to know that I understand what you’re going through. Why you ask? It’s because I suffer in the same way. Every day I am tormented in some fashion. I just hope that when I die there is no afterlife.

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