I'm really struggling right now. For those who haven't read my other blogs, I've been struggling with anxiety, OCD, and depression. I've always been attracted to women, ever since I can remember, I've had a few girlfriends, my first of which we were together for a year and I was crushed and devestated when we broke up because I truly loved her, since then I have been hesitant and shy with women out of fear of rejection. With my OCD I've struggled with worries of being a pedophile, killer,and being gay. They would come in spikes, for a long time I struggled with the Harm Thoughts and they caused me severe anxiety, then the HOCD (gay) thoughts. So for the longest time, maybe about a little more than half a year I have been doing good a couple recurring thoughts, but just recently I felt infatuated with a girl in one of my classes and I dunno what happened, but I got a thought that I was doubting what I felt and my teacher is a gay man and to be fair he is good looking dude, but I started worrying does that mean I'm gay and all that. I feel like I've been losing my attraction to women, lately even though in my head I see a women and think "she is hot" I get no physical reaction and that worries me, when about 2-3 weeks ago, I would get a physical reaction,and anytime I think a girl is hot it's like my brain goes "Well you don't think that" it's like having someing saying everything I think is wrong and I think the oppositeand because of the thoughts and impulses that pop into my head about guys, even male family members and it's the same recurring thoughts, I hate this so much, I just want shit back to normal. For a long time I have been relying on pornography to reassure meand I realize, at least for me,it is not good considering the OCD, and porn can desensitize people. So I have chosen to cut myself off from it and hopefully it will help me rewire my brain a bit. I'm so lost, I feel helpless and not myself and constantly checking if how I am standing or sitting is gay etc. I feel broken


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