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I've found myself today being quiet. I guess its not that unusal, but today, all day, i've felt my eyebrows pulled together.. like i'm thinking about something intensly.

I wish I could itentify what exactly has got me thinking so much, when infact whats been on my mind is.. everything. And Everything has got me feeling.. like.. i don't know. I can't itentify what exactly my feelings are right now. I guess it's kind of like.. sad/confused/annoyed/frusturated.

I've had self harm on my mind a lot. I've yet acted on it.. though right now the feelings are quite intense. I remember years ago I would think about breaking my arm. I never did. I never had that much courage. So cutting was the best i could do. I have always kept a knife in my draw. I keep it in the draw with my tampons. I don't know why.. i guess its a draw that i know no one will ever look in.. not that anyone goes looking through my draws. I was looking for something the other day, and pricked my finger on the knife. It bled. When I cut daily, It was all about the blood. That was my thing. Like, when i seen the blood.. i would be reminded that i'm alive, i'm human, and the bad feelings would flow out of me with the red, and it worked. It really did. For 30 mins. Then i'd be back. It's an never ending cycle. anyone that cuts would get it. I then found body piercing, instead of cutting. I always felt that this was a "healthier" option than the cutting.. and i guess in a way it was. But really.. it doesn't feel the same as when that knife crosses your skin.The doctors would ask if it hurts.. and the answer.. for me.. wasyes. and i liked it. I liked the pain that it brought me. It was punishment.Sometimes it was punishment, sometimes it was relief.. sometimesit was both.

I remember whenI was on probation, and afterI had been in the hospital for a few nights, getting stiches and "therapy".Afterseeing him heturned around and looked at the bandage on my wristand said " I don't wantto see that on you again".He didn't.. becauseI finished probation and never had to see him again. Isometimes wonder ifI had neverdrank and drove that day,ifI would have ever got help. I guess i'll never know.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. My weakness is that I care too much.. and our scars remind us, that the past is real.. I tear my heart open.. just to feel.

It's 11:16pm Saturday 24/3/2012. I'm sitting here on my matress on the floor, alone, wishing i had something of a life.

3 Comments
  1. AloneForeverNew 9 years ago

    i have never been able to self harm but apart from that, your blog feels like something i have felt a while and understand. i feel like mental illnesses come in phases and i remember that phase. i cured my depression through being a vegetarian but still have other problems such as anxiety and the sitting around waiting and wishing for everything that you know would save you because you don't know how to get it. Know where you want to be and keep moving. I'm still trying to do that too 

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  2. Aswa 9 years ago

    i was fussing with my horse during her night feed as usual this evening

    while i was combing out her tail i noticed the scars (of both cuts and burns) on my wrists from my years of self harming

    i had a good, long look at each and every one and wondered why i had cut most heavily over my tattoo

    my favourite time was always the dead of night, so quiet

    at the time i made those marks i couldn't imagine that one day i would be happily tending to anything, so great was my confusion and pain

    and yet i was, this very day happily tending to my horse on a quiet afternoon

    don't really know what i'm trying to say. i guess something like "i know, right?" – it's not a good place to be 🙁 but you'll come through it, i'm thinking stronger and more motivated than ever before 🙂
     

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  3. borntired 9 years ago

    wow aswa that was beautiful

    sadjac hugs to you

    i hope you stay away from the self harming

    is there some sort of volunteer work you could do, some way you could bless someone else to keep yourself busy? working at an old peoples home? volunteering at a day care? babysitting at a church? walking peoples dogs? something to get something positive in your life? do you think that is possible?

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