Monday 15th 7:22pm
Well I simply went back to what I was doing before I went into hospital today. Told mum I was off to class, and headed out into town and doing nothing in particular for a hour. I made up an excuse that the teacher was called away so we got out of class early, rather than spending the full 4 hours doing nothing.
While I was out, I was having alot of bad thoughts. Mostly of ODing or injuring myself. I have to try and look stronger than I am. I can’t look weak to everyone else. They can’t see the real me. The see the smiles on my face, where inside the silent screams are deafening. I worry that I will never be able to have a day where thinking about hurting myself or death. I feel as though it’s never going to end. I worry that I’ll be back into hospital again soon, and I worry about what people will say about me. They’d probably call me "crazy" and "nutter". I wish these sort of things didn’t worry me. Worry worry worry.. it does my head in.. quite literally.
My friend (whos like 26 wks pregnant) has just brought a house with her partner. I feel so happy for her, but there is a part of me that is bitter and jealous. She is my only friend, and we have known each other since birth, shes like my sister. I should be happy for her.. I was always the one that said I wanted the kids, the house and a husband, and here she is, house, baby on the way and a boyfriend who is going to propose soon. I’m an awful person. I am ugly, inside and out.
Nothing changes. its the same old crap everyday. I must sabotage myself or something.