Lately I’ve been angrier than I ever have been. Yesterday I snapped my phone in half. Tore it apart with my bare hands. I’ve always been quick to anger in my life but I think as I get older it’s more of a problem and I have no clue why. I just cracked it. That was an expensive mistake. But it was not really a conscious decision, before I knew it it was done and I was holding the remains of my phone. I instantly regretted it but I was so angry it didn’t even help.

In my head I saw a lot of other things snapping. People and things. Since I’ve always had a temper I’m decent at controlling it … sort of. But I’ve really lost my ability to weather the storm lately. Hours and hours passed, the sun set, and I was still dizzy with the feeling. All I saw was vision after vison of tearing up my room and destroying everything in sight. And I didn’t do it because it wouldn’t help and I knew I would regret it. It was just all in my head. I couldn’t stop crying.

I want to understand myself and that fire that I have inside. I feel like a rabid dog. I get angry and I sit as still as I can and tense all the muscles in my body and hold my breath. I feel like if I don’t I’ll fly off the handle and hurt someone else or myself. I’ve never hurt someone else and I hope I never do. I’ve hurt myself though. It feels like the only way to get the angry out. Because it is pain that I need. Maybe the pain I inflict on myself snaps me out of the anger. I don’t know how it works.

I tried the breathing exercises my therapist suggested but I didn’t get very far. It’s hard to breathe when you feel like that. I lose control like that. I just feel overwhelmed like everything is loud and bright and in my face and I want to make it stop.

I’m thinking maybe I have some sort of problem but I don’t know who to tell because there isn’t really anyone to listen. I could tell my therapist, she’s a nice lady, but I don’t think she always has the answers to what I’m feeling. She doesn’t understand what I’m saying and I’m crap at explaining myself.

I feel like I need help. But who do we ask for help? If the people who are supposed to help don’t … then what are you left with?

I just know I have to fix this. Find a better way to cope with whatever that feeling is. I say anger but I don’t think that’s the right word. It’s much more than anger. It’s mania. Insanity. A complete and utter loss of control. It’s a system overload.

Maybe I’ll get a stress ball.