My anxiety has prevented me from performing the prayers, so I have been watching videos of each prayer at the prescribed time. I believe Allah understands my mental illness, and I have incurred no sin. Prayer is only required of those of sound mind, and I must say that even though I am able to compose blog posts, I am not of sound mind; my psychosis is still severe. I have been reading the Qur’an, and have installed an Islamic Calendar app on my phone that reminds me of prayer times, gives a hadith and verse of the day, and gives suggestions for dhikr. I have a set of tasbih beads for dhikr, it smells like musk. I will get them out soon. I am having my second cup of loose-leaf sencha, and I have lit my Green Tea incense. I like to spend about an hour each morning with tea and incense, checking my email and surfing the internet before jumping into my daily chores. Especially today; I have set aside Mondays as mental health days, because I always have my sessions with my therapist on Monday mornings, with the exception of today because my therapist is out of town due to a family emergency. But I am still taking today as a mental health day. Usually I stay in bed on Mondays, but today I felt like getting up and staying up.
There are so many things to learn and remember in Islam; there is an Islamic way to do just about everything. But I must be careful not to let it become an OCD issue. I will perform ghusl later today. I have not yet performed wudu, but I suppose I should, I once watched a video where a sheik talked about the importance of wudu, even if you’re not about to pray; wudu removes sins and purifies us. I am trying to remember how to do it and what to say. I have written it in my notebook. I will go do it now while I am in the mood. Ok, I have made wudu. I always feel so fresh and clean, physically and spiritually, after wudu. My Green Tea incense is out, I think I will light a sandalwood.
I cannot fast this Ramadan, because I need to keep my Islam a secret. My husband wouldn’t understand if I got up to eat breakfast before sunrise and refused to eat or drink until sunset. I would have no way of explaining that behavior, so I am not fasting. I will skip lunch as an alternative to whole-day fasting, and will only drink tea and water. Technically I am supposed to feed a needy person for every day of Ramadan, but I have no way of doing so in secret (joint bank account), so I cannot fulfill that obligation. It is very difficult being a secret Muslim. I cannot wear hijab either. That I don’t mind so much, as I find the scarves difficult to wrap snugly, they always felt like they are falling apart on my head. I am wearing hijab right now, just to practice it for myself. In the beginning of COVID I wore hijab all the time, with the excuse that my scarf was my mask. But I cannot do that anymore now that we have an abundance of face masks in the house. It makes me feel protected, I wish I could wear it all the time. I have three hijab scarves, a plain black one, a colorful blue, red and green one, and a pretty lacy light brown one. The black one fits the best, so I wore it the most frequently. I also have a purple scarf that I could wear as hijab, but I just never did. I am on my third cup of loose-leaf sencha.
I don’t want to get dressed today. I will have to eventually, for we are going to get new tires this afternoon. I know what I want to wear, but it is in the laundry. I want to wear my maternity pants with my black and purple sweater dress. It is chilly and cloudy outside. Ok, it’s time for me to do the dishes. All right, dishes are done. One nice thing about Ramadan is knowing that the gates of mercy are opened, and the devils are chained. It is the holiest month in the year. I am sad that I missed the first five days of it. A blessing of the Ativan and Calm Aid is that I no longer have that disappearing feeling. I still feel weird, but it’s calmer now, not as pronounced. And I get lavender burps. That’s a side effect of the Silexan (the active ingredient), that I thoroughly enjoy. Ok, it’s time to make the bed. I will get dressed when the laundry is done. It should be done in about 15 minutes or so.
The stupid sun is out. I was so thankful for the overcast this morning, how I wish it would last. But alas, it never does, past 10:00 it seems. I am steeping a genmaicha. How I just wish I could feel normal again! I don’t want to go through this nonsense anymore! I just want a normal life. I don’t want to deal with this fear anymore, I don’t want to be afraid anymore. Nothing triggers it, it’s just there. It’s either there or not there, but most of the time it is there, like an undercurrent to my life. I was feeling better there for awhile with the Ativan and Calm Aid, but I don’t know how long that will last. I’m getting little bursts of fear in and out, it comes with the sun going in and out of the clouds. I feel safer when the sun is behind the clouds. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but it’s how I feel. I am trying to put my trust in Allah during this holiest of months, when His mercy is nearest to us. I know it is strange after all my posts about trying to syncretize Christianity and Wicca, for me to suddenly become a Muslim. I was a Muslim before, last year, for about four months. I’m not sure why I stopped. I was having a difficult time around July of last year and that’s when I stopped practicing Islam.
I really, really hate the sun being out. I’m sorry for disliking the sun so much, as I know that it is a creation of our Lord, but I am so sensitive to it. I don’t know if it’s a symptom of my illness or a side effect of the medications, but I really can’t stand the sun. The sunbeams don’t look beautiful to me, they look ugly. Everything looks weird and distorted to my eyes. It’s just the way it is.