In every life must come some pain? well yeah you could say that. I’ve come through a lot. I’m 27 and at times I feel like I’m going on 50. My dad left me not once but twice before I was five years old, just ran away couldn’t handle the responsibility or something. grew up with people telling me he left because he hated me. my mother would look me in the face and say I ruined her life. that if she could go back and change things she’d make sure I’d had never been born. that’s not easy to hear, and she didn’t just say it once. she saw nothing wrong with making sure I knew I was not wanted. I had two little sisters by her one which was born seriously disabled. I spent my entire childhood caring for her and the house and my emotionally wrecked mother well dealing with my own problems. I fought in school, fought at home, almost shoved my mom down the stairs. every night for 12 years she would say “kiss your sister good night she may not be alive in the morning.” I lived with death hanging over my head every day. as a teen I dropped out and worked two jobs to support my mother well tending the house and both my sisters. when I turned 18 for my birthday she kicked me out. I met a guy then that loved to party and I craved any attention that wasn’t negative. he ruined my life further, got me pregnant and cheated on me further. he choked me and threatened me and emotional abused me until I thought I was worthless and I tried to kill my self. he practically stood over me egging me on. then when I was destroyed and locked away in the hospital on suicide watch he left me for another woman told me I was worthless and Stoll my kids from me. I begged him to take me back because I thought I deserved no better and I missed my kids. he took me back and I suffered his cheating and abuse. I was a broken shell of nothingness. then my mother came to me and told me my sister was ill in the hospital and that the doctor wanted to pull the plug on her. she couldn’t do it so she signed her rights away. I had to make the hard choice. I sat in that room for 14 h and watched my baby sister die by the choice I made. the guilt kills me every damn day. I felt so bad about it I went out for the night every night to numb the pain booze and drugs and ended up getting jumped by 5 guys and raped and dumped in a parking lot and left for dead. I was found by a nurse and I still have gaps in my memory I had a head injury from being tossed from the van. my Hubby said it was own fault I had been attacked I broke again found out he was seeing another woman again and I flipped out attacked him and kicked him out. I was sick of him and his shit. I was done being a victim. so I thought. he then with held any money for our kids and vandalized the house so I would lose it. I lost my job and ended up homeless. he took the kids away and told the lawyer I was crazy and he would deliberately set me off into fits to prove it. I had hit rock bottom had no one, nothing, no home, and no hope. I went to a lawyer that told me because of my illness I would never get my kids back. I cried and screamed and broke things I cut myself and hurt myself and ran away. I got as far as the next province over and couldn’t go any further. I missed them so much. I thought about it for two weeks in some scum-bag motel and decided to come back. I went back to my mother’s house and looked at her and said “look I need help and your my mother. After everything I’ve done for you, you’re going to give me a place to stay.” She did and apologised, sort of, for the way she had been my whole life. told me how she regretted the way she had been. it had meant so much. we still don’t get along great but we are on friendly terms. I got a bad job and worked my ass off to get back on my feet. I went to doctor after doctor until one of them would listen to me about the way I felt they all treated me like I was an attention seeker and not really sick. they gave me meds that didn’t work and wouldn’t listen. I fought with them and got a second opinion and third and fourth until I found one that listened. I met a nice man and now I have a decent home and a good lawyer. as for never getting my kids back because I’m ill. well they have been living with me for a year now and so long as I stay on my meds and keep fighting for them by god they will stay here. Now this might seem like I got it together, that I found my way out of this hell, the only thing I’ve succeeded in is balancing my life goals on a precarious house of cards. Built on the shaky foundation of my brittle sanity. My biggest fear in life right now… that I’ll crumple again and everything I’ve worked so hard for will come crashing down around me like some horrible un ending nightmare.

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