I appreciate the concern some of you have expressed over my sudden lack of blogging. I am okay.
Talked to Ace last night, but I had kept him up ridiculously late the night before, and he had to crash earlier than usual. That left me here with Charlie, to chat, which was great. He proceeded to ask me if I was okay, repeatedly, when I knew what he meant was, "do you want to do something?" And, then, he just comes out with it – "did you buy anything today?" I say, "No." Why did he have to do that? And, that wasn’t the end of it, either. It was absurd, and awful. [email protected] sabateur… he has not been fighting the way I have. I always thought that if I was adamant, if I was really fighting hard – he wouldn’t risk messing it up for me. It used to be that way. But, now…
Maybe, he doesn’t care as much about me being strung, after what I’ve put him through. Maybe, he’s just so sick, right now, that he can’t think straight. I talked about it, with him, this a.m. I told him I’m not ready to move out of this apt. – that I still see this as home, and that I want to see him through this, too, but that I am fighting for my [email protected] life here, and he needs to try harder. He needs to try as hard as I’m trying. I said, "tell me you won’t f@ck this up for me."
He said, he wouldn’t.
I’ve hit another unexpected snag, as well. Got violently ill, last night. Still feel like hell… and, if I hadn’t promised Ace… I’d be getting high right [email protected] now, because this is awful. It’s not hell, but its a long way from heaven. And, hell is coming back around, I think. It seems, from what I gathered last night, as I was thrashing around in pain, that the drugs I have used to soften the withdrawal symptoms are prolonging the overall bout more severely than I thought they would. My intestines spasm. My stomach feels like it’s twisted into knots. And, it’ll probably get worse before it gets better. I made all my calculations about drugs needed, and duration of illness based on past experience. (The last couple times I managed to kick…) Brilliant – like, it didn’t matter that I’d been getting high, and therefore, getting sicker, since then. I can be so stupid. I thought the worst would be over by now. I thought it would start getting easier right about now. It felt like it was getting easier, yesterday, for a good while, and now… now, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to keep doing this.
But, I’m not gonna quit. I can’t. There’s nothing left for me in this. Just more darkness, loneliness, and grief. And, probably… eventually… madness… because this sh@t makes the bipolar disorder much worse. And the PTSD… and, it’s already messed me up, so much. My symptoms got so bad on this sh@t. I don’t want to be like that. I don’t even want to be who I was before any of this started (not that I could go back if I wanted to) – I just want to be the sanest, healthiest version of myself that I can manage. I want my [email protected] degree. I worked so hard to get a full scholarship, and then, I had to withdraw during my [email protected] senior year. That makes me hate myself more than anything – that I let something I’d worked for, for so long, just slip through my fingers. It kills me. I want to go back school more than anything. My friend Jordan has expressed that he could loan me a chunk of the money I need to get my transcripts freed up, if I can kick (and presumably pay him back the money I already owe him, which is like $480, or something crazy like that, but once I’m straight, that won’t take a really long time). So many reasons to do this…
But, this is starting to feel impossible, again, but I’m not giving up on myself. If I did… this would probably be it. If I fall down, again, I don’t think I’m getting back up. It was too hard to drag myself out of the sh@t this time. The only reason I was able to get this far, is that I’ve had Ace helping me, every little step of the way. He talks me through the worst part of the night, and he calls me to make sure I’m not messing up (a couple times, at just the right moment) – and, given how much he’s doing for me, and how much he believes in me, the thought of letting him down is unbearable to me. I thank him all the time, and I still can’t thank him enough. I’m really lucky to have found him.
And, I’m also fortunate to know a certain young lady on this site who’s been a very chill friend – you said I could call you Bob, so, I’m gonna hold you to it. So, Bob… thanks for having such a wicked and bitchy sense of humor. And, thanks for being there.
I’ll let you know how it’s going, later.