I am so tired today.  I have had a headache for several days now.  I went to a 4th of July event with my son and his family.  Looking at the people made me realize that I really don’t know how to be happy, not for any extended length of time.  It also helped me to realize how completely useless my life is.  I’m 53 years old and all my accumulated knowledge is useless to potential employers, because I committed the great sin of failing to get a college education.  I had my chances and have consistently made bad choices.  I have nowhere to go.  The only permanent job that I’ve been able to procure in years does not pay enough for me to make it.  I could get a part time job, but I just don’t have the energy anymore.  Please don’t tell me to get therapy.  My medicaid ended, because I earn too much and I won’t have health benefits from my job for another three months…too long.  People like me need to die and be quick about it in order to deplete the surplus population.  I am tired of worrying and being afraid.  My sister is being beaten by her boyfriend and I can’t do a damned thing about it.  I am basically stuck in the powerless zone.  My son will miss me and probably be angry, but he has a good woman in his life and will make it.  My granddaughter is too young to remember me.  My sister will be devastated, but she has been trying to kill herself for years.   Nothing that anyone has ever done has helped her.  We have both had our chances in life and repeatedly blown it.  I can’t even think about that.  I had a dream one night that I died in a gas chamber.  There was some initial fear, but then I just faded away.  I have figured out the best way to do it.  Now, I just need to get the stuff.  It will be quick and painless and all for the best….

1 Comment
  1. Randall 12 years ago

    Death is not the answer. You have your sister son and granddaughter to think of.You must change the images and thoughts inside your head.Do not rationalize your thoughts of passing from this life so that the pain and anguish will end. Your death would leave many in your life with emptiness.I pray for your inner strength – so please  press forward.Now is not your time to leave.Know that you have the power to affect others so please don”t self-destruct.

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